


Just Another Night

by HeadHunter



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Best Friends, College AU, Confessions, Drunk confessions, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, M/M, Roommates to lovers, roommate au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:02:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 35,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23677327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadHunter/pseuds/HeadHunter
Summary: Gerard and Frank had been best friends since they were kids, so why not move in together?Gerard was sure that night that Frank drunkenly kissed him meant nothing, right?Basically they're roommates and they fall for each other, but not without complications
Relationships: Frank Iero & Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, frerard - Relationship
Comments: 178
Kudos: 116





	1. My Favorite Person

**Author's Note:**

> IM BACK
> 
> This one is probably gonna be a long one. I don't usually like slow burns but I thought of this cute ass plot and couldn't help myself.  
> Let me know what y'all think :)

Having Frank as my best friend had its ups and downs.

We’d known each other since elementary school, but to me, it seemed like forever. We would ride our bikes to school together, he’d teach me how to play soccer, and he even got into a few fights with the school bullies when they started picking on me.

I was always on the chubbier side, especially when I was younger, so kids would be ruthless to me in school.

But that never mattered to Frank. He always stood up for me, no matter how much bigger that kid was than him.

I still remember walking him home from school one day when he had a black eye. I was happy to have someone who always had my back, but I couldn’t help but feel bad because he was always getting hurt, so I asked him why he was always sticking up for me like that.

He just looked up at me, unable to find the words, as if he wondered why himself. Eventually, he just smiled at the ground and said: “Cause you're my favorite person.”

I remember in high school when Frank got his first tattoo. He was so excited to show me, but when he went home to his parents with a black scorpion on his neck, his dad beat the hell out of him and kicked him out of the house.

I remember him coming over with a bloody nose and a fresh scar over his tattoo. He just showed up at my door with a guilty smile on his face. He was too excited about the tattoo to care about his beat-up face. If Frank was ever upset, he’d never let me see it. He'd always try to be this upbeat and positive person, but I always saw through the act. 

We stayed up all night that night, talking about the future and promising each other we’d never end up like our parents. 

It wasn’t until we moved in together in college that I started to notice that Frank's personality changed somewhat. He didn’t seem to care about school as much as I did.

But what he did enjoy was drinking. 

He didn’t drink every single night, but he was out partying pretty much every weekend. And whenever he wasn’t drinking, he was smoking weed and getting high. It seemed like I never got the chance to talk to him sober anymore. When we first moved in we spent every night just talking in the living room, with him making fun of my hair and me making fun of his pothead laugh. We'd binge-watch TV shows and fight over who was going to do the dishes. He even asked me to write down my favorite menu items from different fast foods, so that if he was ever out he could grab food for both of us.

Now I barely saw him around... When he wasn't out drinking and partying, he was bringing a different girl home every night only to make her go home immediately in the morning. And I don't know why, but it made me upset. I felt like I'd lost the only person I truly cared about. I just let him slip through my fingers, and I didn't know if it was because of something I did, but the reality was that Frank changed. And I kinda just had to deal with that.

It was the week before midterms, and I had been in my room all evening doing homework. I definitely was not the Frank type. I liked school, and I liked getting my assignments turned in early. Considering I had plans of going to grad school and getting a doctorate, I held myself at a very high standard. My back started killing me from sitting at my desk for so long though, so I decided to take a break and go downstairs. 

When I caught a glimpse of the living room, I found that Frank was actually home, on the couch watching TV with a Smirnoff in his hand.

“Frank?”

He sat cross legged on the end of the couch with his dark hair slightly greasy and messy. He looked away from me and wiped his face with his sweatshirt sleeve. “Hi Gee.”

That’s when I realized he was crying. 

“Frankie-” I came down the rest of the steps and knelt next to him on the couch. “Frankie, hey, what’s wrong?” His eyes were red and puffy and the streaks on his face were illuminated only by the light of the TV.

My heart was pounding with anxiety, as he sat in silence looking down at the bottle in his hand, moving his thumb across the label. “Gee I’m just a fuckin’ failure,” he finally said shaking his head. His voice strained to get past the lump in his throat. “I just-, I can’t do school, my grades are shitty because I’m a fucking dumbass, and-, and I feel so fucking empty all the time-” his voice started to turn into a sob so I immediately took the drink from him and set it on the ground so I could pull him into a hug.

My arms wrapped around his torso and I could smell the alcohol emitting from him as he cried harder into my shoulder. “Hey, what’s got you thinking about all this?”

His arms clung to me so tightly and desperately, like he was afraid I would let go and he would fall into pieces. “I just wish I was more like you Gee... You’re so good as so many things-”

“Oh my god Frankie so are you, you don’t even know,” It was heartbreaking to see him like this. Frank never cries. Ever. It was scary to see him suddenly break down, and something about the way he was helpless in front of me made me suddenly forget his delinquincy. I just wanted to keep holding him. 

“You’re just so smart, and you don’t even have to try and you’re so caring to other people and I feel like everyone just fucking hates me.” His words slurred, and me holding him was the only thing keeping him upright. 

I rubbed his back, “Why do you think people hate you Frankie?” Frank had always been insecure. Whenever I or anyone else complimented him, he would always laugh it off and say, "Nah, you're just messing with me." I just wish he knew how much he meant to people.

He paused for a moment and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “Because I’m too scared to get attached to anyone.” The lights flickered continuously on the TV as I held him. He sniffled, “I stay away from people because I’m scared they’ll realize I’m just a fuckin shitbag and they’ll eventually leave me for someone better.” He ducked his face further into my neck.

“Hey, I take offense to that. I put up with you because I want to not because I have to.”

I felt him laugh against my neck. “Shhhhut up, you’re different you know that.” He loosened his grip and began pulling away. "You're sweet, and selfless, and attractive." He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "I don't deserve to have someone like you around."

I didn't think much of his comments. He had called me attractive before, this time it just came out in a less sarcastic tone. Still, it was cute to see him drunkenly wallowing in self-pity in one moment and complimenting me in the next. "Awh geez Frankie," I scratched my neck, "you have no idea."

"Then give me an idea." 

I looked up to see his eyes locked on mine. They were glistening against the light of the tv, but his face was stoic. He stared at me as if he knew something I didn't.

The air was thickening up between us and I felt my heart rate increase as I tried to come up with something to say. "Well, Frankie,” I said, nervously averting my eyes, “fuck school, you ARE smart. And you ARE talented. You’re the kindest and most caring person I know. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you around.” His doe eyes drifted down to his lap and he smiled. “You’re my favorite person.”

He immediately looked up, realizing what I had said, and within a split second he tackled me in a hug, slamming me back against the couch. 

He laid on me with his head on my chest and his arms around my torso. I laughed at the drunken attack, and how embarrassed he was probably going to be in the morning when I told him about all of it. I rubbed his back instinctively as I progressively felt his body melt into me. Taking deep and peaceful breaths, he finally calmed down from his outburst. It was kind of nice. 

Maybe I wouldn’t tell him in the morning. 

“I love you Gee,” He mumbled into my shoulder.

“I love you too Frankie.”

I felt him smile and exhale at my words. He tilted his head up and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, “I love you so so much.”

My heart pounded at the sudden gesture.

I wasn’t expecting that. Frank had never really done that before. He didn’t mind showing me affection, especially when he was drunk, but he had never done that. 

Something about the way my cheek burned from where his lips were and the way we were laying against each other made me not mind so much though. 

“I love you too, Frankie,” I said with a light laugh under my breath. He’d probably never drink again if I told him what he just did. I imagined him in the morning becoming flustered and overly apologetic, calling himself a dumbass, making up excuses-

I was lost in thought when Frank suddenly shifted his weight and his face was above mine. I didn’t get a chance to ask him what he was doing before he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. 

My eyes were wide open. My heart pounded against my chest and my body froze as I tasted cherry Smirnoff all over his lips. I could feel a warm breath escape his nose and it sent electricity through my whole fucking body.

Fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck is going on.

It only lasted a second or two, but it felt like a full minute before he finally resumed his position laying on my chest. 

He hummed in contentment as I was still unable to move.

Did that really just happen.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to figure out if this was just a weird fucking dream or not, but that only made it worse. I suddenly became hyper-aware of everything.  
The rise and fall of his torso against me. The way his arms were lazily wrapped around my body. And the way his breath felt against my neck made my whole body feel like it was on fire and it was too fucking much to handle.

I could feel his lips barely grazing my neck and my body went into full-on panic mode as I pushed myself off the couch and onto the floor, knocking Smirnoff onto the carpet.

I looked up at Frank. He was passed out completely.

I stood and paced for a moment, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. Why did he kiss me, why was my body reacting the way it was.

I looked at his fully comatose body. He looked so innocent and peaceful when he was sleeping. 

He has no idea what he just did.

And I had no intention of telling him.


	2. Good Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank felt bad about the other night, so he decided food and a horror movie night with Gerard was the best way to say he was sorry. Meanwhile, Gerard makes up his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a cute and domestic chapter before shit hits the fan (whoops).
> 
> Sorry it's a bit longer, but I knew splitting it up into two wouldn't make sense. It's cute and worth it I promise ^-^  
> I'm so glad you guys like it and I can't wait to continue the story!

My sleep schedule was completely fucked after that night. 

It seemed like every time I tried to sleep I could feel him still laying next to me. Breathing against me. I tried so hard to brush it off as just some weird drunken night that meant nothing. 

Frank wasn’t gay. He had girls all over him in high school, he just never wanted to date any of them. But it got worse once he got to college. He had a newfound confidence that turned into cockiness around girls. He saw the way they acted around him and started taking advantage of that. Every night I’d hear a new girl come down the hallway into his room, and I had to pretend like it didn’t bother me...but it did. Because those girls weren’t with him because they liked the soft tone of his voice when he was tired, or because of the way he rambles when he talks about music, or because of the way he smells like vanilla when he hugs you or the way he laughs-

Fuck... I know exactly where this is going. It’s been the only thing on my mind for days and I can feel my stomach get tied up in knots every time I think about it…

I did not have feelings for Frank. He is my best friend, and I’m not about to make things weird between us. 

A few nights had passed and I was trying to act as normal as possible around him. He hadn’t said anything about that night, thank god. He was actually home more than usual, which I didn’t mind. Even though I was holed up in my room, it was still nice to know I could go out and talk to him if I got burnt out, which was very likely, especially with midterms around the corner. I wasn’t about to let myself get distracted and jeopardize my classes though. 

The evening rolled around and I was in my usual position of studying at my desk, looking at the same equations over and over again when I heard Frank shout from the bathroom.

“Hey Gee!”

“Whaaaat?”

Frank mumbled something I couldn’t hear. 

“What?!” I yelled louder.

“I have a surprise for you! Come here!”

Confused, I got up from my desk and went to the bathroom door, which was just outside my room. I didn’t even get to say anything when Frank opened it immediately, revealing himself in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

Steam emitted from the bathroom. He crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame, his hair still dripping onto his cheeks and shoulders. “You’re gonna love me.”

My heart started racing again and I had to keep myself from looking anywhere but his face. 

Why was I feeling like this? I had seen Frank shirtless countless times before. Why NOW all of a sudden was I getting flustered and nervous?

“Oh? W-why’s that huh?” I could feel my cheeks heating up. And Frank wasn’t making me feel any better because he ran his hand through his hair, making my eyes drift to his now exposed torso. The way his bird tattoos peeked out from under the towel and the way he was looking at me made me almost stop breathing.

“I may or may have not ordered takeout from your FAVORITE restaurant.” He said with a satisfied grin.

I puzzled at him, “....Taco Bell?”

He giggled, “What kinda cheap schmuck do you think I am?” His smile made my legs weak as he searched my face, “think less tex mex, and more...Chinese.”

My eyes lit up, “YOU GOT ME CHOPSTICK???” Frank knew that Chopstick Express was my favorite Chinese place. “But-, how-, why did you-”

“I just, I’ve seen how hard you’ve been working on exams, and you’re constantly putting up with me so...I wanted to do something nice for once. And to apologize for...the other night.” He scratched the back of his neck ashamedly.

My heart sank into my stomach. I looked up, unable to hide my anxiety, “The other night?”

He went back to crossing his arms and looked down at the ground, “Yeah...I’m sorry... I don’t remember what I said but I remember crying and I spilled that Smirnoff onto the carpet and I feel bad about it so-”

I sighed in relief. He didn’t know that it was me. “Oh! No, no it’s fine! You making an ass out of yourself isn’t something I’m not used to on a regular basis right?”

His insecurity faded as he focused his energy on returning the sarcasm, “Hey fucker, you better be nice to me, I bought you food!” It was funny that as soon as I playfully insulted him, he would always have a defense mechanism of throwing it right back at me. Some people didn’t understand his sarcasm, but it was how Frank and I communicated. I liked that Frank had spunk and didn’t mind feigning animosity. He treated me like an equal.

“Go watch the door for me would you? It’s on its way, I’ll be down in a minute.” He smiled and closed the door.

And just like that, I was left with nothing but a stupid grin on my face and leftover shower steam evaporating around me. 

He thought he spilled the drink...so he bought me food.

It was a weird little game him and I had begun playing but I didn’t mind it, and he was completely unaware of it. 

It started raining once the food arrived. I set it out on the coffee table in front of the TV and waited for Frank. The smell of the Chinese food that I hadn’t had for months filled my nose and I still wasn’t quite sure if this was some sort of prank or not. 

“I can literally smell that from upstairs.” 

My thoughts were interrupted as Frank came down the steps in grey sweatpants and a maroon sweatshirt, his hair still slightly damp from the shower. He claims he’s “always cold” and that’s why he’s always in sweatshirts. 

“Did you grab drinks?” Frank examined the table, “don’t worry I got it, what do you want?”

I attentively watched him enter the kitchen and open the fridge, “Uh, Coke, is fine.”

He returned with two Cokes and sat down next to me. I looked at him dumbfounded, “...no beer?” I raised my eyebrows and he found my inquiry very funny and aware of himself because he let out an embarrassing laugh.

“Ha, uh, yeah, no. Probably won’t be drinking for a hot minute. The hangover I woke up with a few days ago fucking sucked. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed the whole next day.”

“How’s that different from any other day-”

“Ahh yeah, you asshole I knew you were gonna say that fuck you.” His laugh filled the apartment. I guess that’s part of the reason I liked to make fun of him is because I knew it’d make him laugh.

“What do you wanna watch?” I asked, assuming he’d pick one of his usual favorite shows.

“You pick.” He smiled at me. I dropped my head but remained eye contact with him.

“Frank.”

“Yis?” His little smile made my chest feel like it was being stabbed by a knife. 

“Frank, you always do this to me. You know I’m gonna pick a horror movie and you HATE horror movies-”

“I don’t hate them-”

“Motherfucker you told me you couldn’t sleep for days after watching The Ring.”

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Yeah! Because I watched it alone!” He grabbed his drink and cracked it open, “Now I have you with me. So I don’t have to be scared.” My stomach started tying itself in knots again. “Because I know if a monster shows up at the door, I can just shove you towards him because I know I can outrun you.” 

He gave me a pleased look and sipped his drink as I mimed knocking it out of his hand. 

“Alright, fine, but don’t come crawling to my bed later tonight telling me you can’t sleep.”

He giggled, “You wish.”

The crazy thing was, I did. 

We decided to watch the new “IT” movie, which I had already seen and loved, but Frank had never seen it.

However, he continued to not see it because every time I would look over at him, his face would be covered with a blanket. After making fun of him he rested his head on my shoulder, saying “touching you makes me feel safer.”

Our takeout boxes were empty, and the longer the movie went on, the closer he was getting to me, until he finally ended up resting his head in my lap. 

I couldn’t help but stare at him. The blanket pulled past his nose but his eyes fixated on the screen. He had almost this childlike innocence cast on his face. I subconsciously started playing with his hair, but he didn’t seem to mind. Occasionally he’d shut his eyes amid me playing with his hair, as if he was more focused on that than the TV.

It was funny. We both were watching the movie, but it felt like we had so much more on our minds. 

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is Frank poking my cheek.

“Hm?” I opened my eyes to see just the outline of him in complete darkness. He smiled at me.

“I can’t believe you fell asleep during a movie night, how dare you.”

I smiled and rubbed my eyes, “At least I CAN sleep. I know your ass is gonna be awake for the rest of the night.”

He gave an uncomfortable laugh, “Yeah. Whatever jerk.” We fell silent for a moment. The rain outside had turned into a loud storm as cracks of thunder became the background soundtrack of me and him sitting in the dark together.

I laughed to myself, “Remember when you used to be afraid of thunderstorms?”

Frank looked at me and covered his smile in embarrassment, “oh my god, yeah I do. And I specifically remember you dragging me outside at night DURING a thunderstorm to try and help me ‘get over my fear’”

“Oh shit, I remember that. God, you were so mad at me.” I shifted my body closer to him. “You tackled me to the ground to try and get away.”

I remember that vividly too. I think that was the only time Frank was actually mad at me. He vehemently hated thunderstorms and was terrified every time he was at my house and it started storming. So one day when he was getting anxious about the rain I decided to pull him outside to show him it wasn’t that bad.

At first, he was yelling at me and shoving me, trying to get back inside. He told me he was ‘not fucking around anymore’ and eventually wrestled me down into a huge puddle. I remember how angry he looked over me. But his anger slowly shifted into laughter, and he said: “Dude you have fucking mud all over your face!” 

We spent like 10 minutes out in the rain just shoving each other around and laughing our asses off.

“I know.” He said breaking me out of my trance. “And my mom was pissed because we both came through the house soaking wet and muddy.” He stared down at his lap, shaking his head. “We fell asleep next to the heater downstairs. I woke up and you were drooling all over the carpet.” He shoved me with his shoulder and giggled.

“Hey! You were snoring that whole night asshole.” He was so close to me now that I was getting nervous so I just stared down at my hands. 

He continued to stare at me though. I could feel his eyes all over me. I could feel the air get thicker as the silence in the room grew. “What are you thinking about?” He finally said in a more hushed tone.

I tried to look up at him but the look he was giving me and how close he was made my heart start racing and I panicked and shot my eyes back down onto my lap. “AHH UH, I DON’T KNOW.” Fuck am I bad at hiding my emotions, “I guess, just, how different things are now.” It was true. Things seemed so much simpler when we were kids.

I could feel him get even closer so his side was touching mine, “Like, good different? Or bad different.” His voice softened and he was so close that I felt like I was getting drunk just off of his presence next to me.

I looked up again which was a bad decision because fuck me he was so close that I couldn’t hide being visibly nervous anymore. 

I swallowed hard and my eyes locked on the outline of his, “I- uh, I guess, I guess I don’t know.” 

His inquisitive face turned into a smile as if he found it amusing how flustered I was. “Well, I think I know how we can make it a good different.” 

My breath hitched in my throat, “Uh, how?”

His eyes scanned all over my face and it felt like someone was stabbing my chest again. “We should sleep down here, in the living room together. Like we used to.”

I finally took a breath, “O-Oh. Wait, what?”

“Come on it’ll be fun!” 

Before I could think, he pushed me down on the couch, almost like how he did that night we kissed, but this time he positioned himself in front of me so that I was pretty much spooning him.

“See? It’s comfy! Let’s just sleep down here tonight.” He grabbed my arm and pulled it over him as he held my hand against his chest. 

My body had gone into sensory overload. The warmth of his body suddenly pressed up against mine made me want to melt into him but I was frozen from fear. The smell of his washed hair up against my face was making me feel lightheaded and dizzy.

“I can feel your heart pounding. You okay?” I could feel his breath hit my hand.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’m so stupid. What am I gonna say? Nothing in my life has ever prepared me for this or for how I feel about my best fucking friend right now.

I laughed nervously, “Yeah, I-I’m sorry I'm just-”

“Don’t be.” Frank hummed in contentment and shifted his body further into mine.

It was right then when I finally relaxed that I realized what I had been denying this whole time. Never in my life had I been so vulnerable with someone besides Frank.

All of those late-night talks about our futures, all the things I wanted to do with him and no one else, all the times that I would do literally anything just to see him smile or to quiet all the insecurities he had. All the things I wish I could be better at or do better for him.

And yet here we were. In our big apartment, with two separate rooms, but right at this moment, I got to hold him so close. And he was holding me. And part of me thought, who was I that I should get to hold someone like him. But he was so special to me, that I was also selfish, and I didn’t want anyone else to hold him like this. 

And that’s when I realized that’s all I’ve ever wanted. All those times I had an ache in my heart when he laughed, or hugged me, or looked at me. 

This is all I wanted. 

I squeezed him closer and shut my eyes, breathing in every bit of him.

I hoped to god he’s wanted this too.


	3. Clumsy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard talks with a concerned friend in class and he wants to confess how he feels to Frank but Frank has other plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH HI  
> I had kind of a writer's block and I had a really shitty birthday this week that's why it took so long lmao.  
> This chapter is relatively short and not too eventful but much needed to set up the next few chapters. I just want y'all to see Frank for who he really is. I'm glad people are reading this and enjoying it though it makes me happy c: Enjoy! xx

The sunlight cascading into the living room is what eventually woke me up. I rubbed my eyes and groaned. My aching body was telling me that I definitely did not get enough sleep. 

My mouth was so dry it hurt. I must’ve been sleeping with it open again. I hope I wasn’t drooling, Frank would make fun of me for sure-

FRANK.

I jumped off the couch like someone had electrocuted me. I looked around, still disoriented, but Frank was nowhere to be found. I quickly went to the window and peeked out at the parking lot.

His car was gone. He must’ve gone to class.

CLASS. FUCK.

I had English at 9:30 am. I quickly looked at the clock.

9:28.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

I raced to put on my sneakers, grabbed my bookbag and keys, and ran out the door in my slept in sweatpants and t-shirt. 

The campus was a 5-minute drive from the housing, not counting trying to find parking, so I definitely waltzed into my English class 10 minutes late.

I can’t believe I let myself oversleep. I need to get my fucking head on straight. I wasn’t about to be one of those people that paid all of this money for this prestigious college and then gets completely distracted.

But my god what a beautiful distraction he was.

I sat in my seat at the back of the lecture hall as quietly as I could so that the professor wouldn’t notice.

“You look like shit.”

The whispered voice scared me until I realized it was Miles, the only person I actually knew in this class.

“Thanks. I feel like shit. I got like 4 hours of sleep last night.” I rubbed my face as the Professor at the front of the class continued his lecture. 

“Is that how long it took to make your hair stand up like that?” He said, smiling at my disheveled hair.

I shot him a look and quickly matted it down and pulled my hood up. I wasn't necessarily in the mood to be picked on - being late pissed me off - but it was Miles so I didn't mind as much

Miles and I met at the beginning of the semester at orientation and hit it off immediately because we were both art majors. Unlike Frank, Miles was really driven in his schoolwork and was incredibly determined. He was extremely intelligent and his parents were pretty loaded, so he got a free ride to come to school here. He was actually part of the reason I was so on top of my schoolwork.

He and I would often meet up in the library to study for tests or help each other with homework, but most of the time we’d end up talking about old movies and comics. His lifestyle was a little different than mine and it fascinated me, but it never got in the way of our friendship, and he never treated me differently or anything.

He never came over anymore though, because Miles hated Frank. He thought Frank was a bad influence on me, with him being an alcoholic party animal. And Frank wasn’t too keen on Miles. The two just had this animosity towards each other from the start, so I never forced either of them in the same room.

When class was over, Miles stopped me in the hall.

“You’re coming to my get-together next weekend right?”

I sighed and laughed at what he called it, “Miles, it’ll be after finals, you can call it a party.”

“If you’re there, then it will be. C’mon, you never come over to my place anymore."

I gave a shrug, "I don't know if I'll be up for it-"

"Gerard," I looked up at him and he tilted his head at me, "Do you have to babysit your roommate that night or something?"

I shot him an irritated look. He knew I hated him talking about Frank that way. I didn’t care what other people thought about him, because I was the only one who got to see the parts of Frank that he hid. “If you're trying to get me to come, insulting my friends isn’t going to work.”

He looked at the ground, defeated, “I just miss you man that’s all. I feel like we were hanging out all the time at the beginning of the semester but the past few weeks I haven’t seen you around.” He crossed his arms and his brown eyes bored into me, “Are you doing okay?”

His question caught me off guard. I told him about Frank’s bad habits briefly in the beginning and he always had a concern for my well being from then on because he saw how dedicated I was to Frank, despite the things he’s done. He was worried Frank had become dependent on me for money and was taking advantage of me emotionally. Even though it wasn’t true, and it made me upset that he thought Frank was capable of that, I understood he was just a concerned friend and looking out for me.

Part of me wanted to open up about what Frank had done the past few nights because I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I knew bringing him up wasn't really a good idea, considering the hostility they had towards each other. Plus, I wasn't sure about how Frank felt, so I didn't want to embarrass him or jeopardize our trust if he wanted to keep it between me and him. 

“I’m fine, I promise. Just stressed about the exams. But I promise once that’s over we’ll hang out more. And I’ll definitely be at your place next weekend.” I gave him a smile and we exchanged goodbyes as I went back to the apartment.

I finally had time to myself to mull over everything that happened last night. 

How strongly I felt last night scared me. I’d been friends with Frank for so many years and I had only now begun to realize how I’ve felt all this time. Anytime my mind would start to wonder or try to calm my anxiety down, my mind always went to him. His sweet smile and calm eyes. I just wanted to keep holding him and never let go. 

I couldn’t stand these mixed messages. Buying me dinner, touching me, getting so close to me without doing anything about it. DRUNKENLY KISSING ME. It was driving me insane and I just wanted him more and more every time he wasn’t next to me.

I needed to tell him how I was feeling. There is no way I could be wrong about this, and even if I was I didn't care. The way he held me last night, the way he talks about me... 

I needed to know if this was real. I might be making a huge mistake by risking our friendship but at this point fuck it, I couldn’t take it anymore. 

I decided I was going to talk to him as soon as he came home. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to bring it up, and I definitely paced around the living room rehearsing different lines but I was only making my anxiety run higher. I ran through all the possibilities...what he might say if he felt the same, what he might say if he didn’t, each one just as terrifying as the last. But I couldn’t let myself back out now.

Just tell him what you've been thinking about and see what he says...

At this point, it was around 10:30 pm. I heard a car park outside and in a fit of adrenaline, I ran to the window. Heart racing, I took a peek outside through the slit in the curtain, and what I saw made my heart drop into my stomach.

It was Frank.

With a girl.

I felt my whole body turn to ice as I watched Frank hold the hand of a small blonde-haired girl, laughing and stumbling as he led her down the sidewalk. 

My body went into sheer panic mode as I raced up the stairs into my bedroom and immediately slammed the door behind me. My body was shaking and my breathing became erratic as I listened intently to the two of them enter the apartment. 

Stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. What the hell was I thinking.

I could hear both of them mumbling as they started up the stairs. I leaned close to the door and listened in like a fucking weirdo but at this point, I didn’t care.

Frank giggled loudly and the girl shushed him, but he interjected, “that’s just my roommate he doesn’t give a shit.”

“Oh, should I offer him to smoke with us?” She whispered while laughing. A waft of alcohol and perfume slipped through the cracks of my door.

“Nah he’s way too pious for that. Plus I’ve got some other things in mind-”

I heard them close Frank's door and their muffled laughs faded as I felt my whole body shake, standing, staring at the door, unable to process exactly what just happened.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and vision blurred. The all too familiar stinging sensation began arising at the back of my eyes.

I should have fucking known. 

I turned and solemnly made my way into my bed. I didn’t fucking care if I slept in my jeans. I didn’t fucking care about anything anymore. I just crawled under the blanket, praying to god I wouldn’t hear them in the other room.

Emotions are amazing. Truly. One moment, you’re seemingly on top of the world. You’re smiling, and for the first time, you let go of your anxiety and you let yourself hope for good things to happen. But that's one of my biggest flaws. I let my young and naive heart grow, and run faster than my head. In a split second, I was coldly reminded that this was my reality. Frank was my roommate, and he’d never be anything more than that.

I flicked my lamp off and curled further into myself as I continued crying. My body felt like it was going to shatter into a million pieces.

Stupid...I was so stupid… because she was exactly the kind of thing I couldn’t be.

A beautiful blonde girl. That’s what he wants. I would be anything for him if he asked me to...but I knew I couldn’t be that. No matter what, he was always going to choose that. 

I was just his pious fucking roommate. 

The worst part was that he left me with this chaotic mess in my head, where voices were screaming that I wasn’t good enough and my chest felt like it was caving in because I kept seeing them together in my mind and everything inside me wanted to be furious with him and never talk to him again. 

But I couldn’t. Even if I tried to hate him I couldn’t. The way Frank made me feel...I just let him into my heart because I wanted it to be real finally.

But Frank was the one thing I couldn’t have, and he was the only thing I wanted. 

My god what have I done.


	4. I'm Stupid for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank seems to be completely unaware of why Gerard's upset, if not embracing it and taking advantage of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accept the sweetness now, bc shits about to go down. 
> 
> This one's a bit shorter but the next chapters probably gonna be a long one...probably written in two different points of view...hmm.. c:   
> Also yes the title is Waterparks I couldn't help myself the song fits perfectly for this scene.  
> xx

I laid in bed the next morning, staring at the ceiling, debating on whether or not it was worth it to get out of bed today. I know I sound overdramatic, and yeah, I get it, I shouldn’t be so bitter over nothing, but every time I thought about Frank with that girl it made my stomach turn. I was starting to worry that I let my feelings go too far and my brain wouldn’t be able to go back to seeing him as a friend. 

I was still upset when I woke up, but I felt more empty than angry. I accepted that what happened between me and Frank was nothing more than a friendly form of affection and a weird drunk kiss and that he didn’t feel anything towards me. I just had to kind of face him and move on because I didn’t want to give him any indication that I was upset. He didn't deserve that.

I woke up to Miles texting me a funny picture and when I didn’t respond he asked if I was okay:

[I’m okay. Just had a shitty night] I replied.

[Was it the trouble-maker again?] He didn’t know half of it.

[I just need to get out of the house. I’m going a bit stir crazy] I wasn’t about to unleash all of what I was feeling through text. I loved Miles but I'm not sure he'd be so understanding of my situation.

[Dude, come over later! We can order pizza and I can beat your ass in Mario kart] And yeah, hanging out with Miles for a night instead of crying over Frank all day seemed like a great idea right about now.

[Yeah, that sounds good. Except for that last part, no way asshole]

I stayed in bed way too long, hoping that the girl was gone and also hoping Frank had class so I wouldn’t have to awkwardly face him. But I knew he was home because I could hear and smell him making coffee downstairs. 

Time to face the music. Just act casual.

As I made my way downstairs still in my jeans from yesterday, I looked over into the kitchen to see him facing towards the coffee maker in an oversized sweatshirt.

He heard me and turned around. His messy bedhead framed his face as he lit up when he saw me. “Good afternoon sleeping beauty. I thought you might be dead.” The light cascading into the living room was blinding me since I just came out of a dark cave, but it illuminated his smiling face so well and I couldn’t stop staring.

I awkwardly shuffled next to him in the kitchen, “Yeah, I uh-, I guess I was just really tired.” I went into the cupboard and reached for a mug when he stopped me.

“Oh, here I made you a cup.” His hand delicately placed my favorite "Coffee makes you poop" mug in front of me with fresh coffee steaming from the edges. “I figured you’d want some since you were so tired…”

“Oh, uh, thank you,” I said as I carefully held the warm mug to my chest. I pointed at it, “Did you-”

“Two cream, one sugar.” He said, staring at his mug on the counter. His eyes flicked up at me with a smirk. “Hey, we’ve been living together for months. I’d be an awful housewife if I didn’t know how you liked your coffee.”

I tried hard up to this point to show even a little distance towards him. I needed a bit of time and space to figure out how to navigate my feelings towards him without continuously hurting myself from unnecessary expectations, but it was getting increasingly more difficult to stay mad when he was suddenly being so overly sweet to me.

I let out a laugh and took a sip of the warm drink when I suddenly noticed the familiar white text that emblazoned the front of his sweatshirt.

“Is that, my sweatshirt?”

He looked down as if forgetting that he was wearing it, “Huh? OH! Yeah, sorry I found it down here and I was cold. Plus I kinda like it cause it smells like you.” He casually took a sip of his coffee and I immediately felt my face get hot. “I hope that’s okay.” His face formed a shy smirk as his eyes traced all over my face.

I couldn’t tell if he was playing a game with me or not, but boy did he look good in my sweatshirt. I could see at his collar that he wasn’t wearing anything underneath and the fact that he was wearing -only- my sweatshirt sent waves of blushing heat all throughout my body.

My god, was it this easy for him to make me feel this way? I kept trying to remember what had happened last night though. All the hurt I felt and all the crying I did, so I tried really hard not to feed into the thoughts that my body wanted. 

I opened the snack cupboard, searching for a muffin or something to take back to my room, “Yeah it’s fine I guess.”

“Hey whoa, what’s wrong?” Frank set down his coffee, “Gee did I do something?”

I shrugged, not making eye contact with him, “I don’t know, maybe I’m too pious to say.” The words stung in my mouth as I said them. It felt good. He deserves to remember what he called me.

“Ahh, I see,” Frank immediately grabbed the mug from my hand and set it down on the counter. I was only slightly confused until he suddenly twisted my hips to face him and pressed me up against the counter rather aggressively.

He kept his hands gripped on my hips as he stared up at me, concern in his eyes.

“Frankie-” I managed to breathe out with a lack of conviction because my body froze under his grip.

He sighed, “What’s wrong?” His body was almost fully pressed up against mine. His dark hazel eyes searched my face for an answer but the way he was starting to rub his thumbs against the bare skin of my hips made me feel dizzy and I was unable to give him a coherent response. “What’d I do Gee?” His words were so soft and tender that I almost completely forgot what he had actually done to make me upset at him.

This gesture was controllable for him and it didn’t mean anything because he didn’t have feelings for me. But to me it meant everything. For so long I craved affection like this and he kept giving me everything I wanted and then taking it all away too quickly and leaving me burning under his touch and it was driving me insane.

“That girl last night-” I squeezed my eyes shut. He was fogging my mind up so much that it was making me say stupid and exposing things. 

“What about her?” His voice feigned innocence. “Were you jealous?” His body grew closer and I became more intoxicated by his gestures.

I bit down hard at my lip to keep from saying anything more stupid and tried to avert my eyes.

“You’d have no reason to be.” He reached his hand up to tuck a stray hair behind my ear and it sent shivers down my spine. I could now feel his warm torso pressed up against mine as he continued to brush the hair out of my face. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

I was shocked and confused and finally let my eyes drift up to his, “Frank-” I was so weak under his touch that the last consonant of his name fell away and it came out more like a plea.

“Do you think about me?” his fingertips made their way to the back of my neck and he began playing with my hair while looking sweetly into my eyes and occasionally down at my lips. A gesture that was probably done to many girls before me but fuck I understood why because it made my head feel like it was on fire. 

“So what if I do.” I finally locked my eyes on his in a wave of unprecedented confidence. 

He retaliated my sudden daring comment by leveling his face even closer to mine, “Good boy. I want you to fucking think about me.” He huffed the words so close to me his hot breath cascaded over my face.

This was bad. This was very bad. I could feel myself getting turned on through my jeans and with the way Frank was pressed up against me, there was no way he couldn’t feel it too. His words were so fucking cryptic and I hated it but his body was being very straightforward with me and that was all I could focus on. It almost seemed like he fed off the power he had over me; he could tell how flustered he was making me, so he kept feigning his innocence and it was making me look weakly into his eyes, ready to do whatever he fucking asked me to.

My hands stayed gripping the countertop out of fear, not having the slightest idea of what to do. His thumb and forefinger dragged across my jawline tantalizingly. I finally dragged my mind away from his actions long enough to speak, “Frank, what-”

The doorbell rang and I jumped and almost screamed involuntarily which prompted Frank to immediately detach from me like someone had almost walked in on us. 

He sighed heavily without glancing at me again "Shit." As he hurriedly walked to the front door I slowly tried to calm my heart rate down from the sudden heart attack that the doorbell gave me, and the sudden relaxation of my body from being in such a tense position. 

"Sorry man I forgot you were coming." Frank opened the door to another man of his stature, wearing a backwards hat and looking slightly impatient.

“Yeah fucker I was waiting down there for like 10 minutes.” 

I fixed my hair which was somewhat twisted in the back from Frank’s playful fingertips and tried to look normal and not like I just had an incredibly heated moment with my best friend as the guy stepped into our apartment.

“Sorry man, let me just put on some pants and I’ll be ready.” Frank hurried up the stairs, leaving me and the guy awkwardly alone.

I opted to avoid the uncomfortable encounter as I grabbed my coffee and headed for the stairs.

“Hey Gerard,” His voice startled me as I only made it up a few steps.

“Hey.” I said nervously. How did he know my name? I was curious but I wasn’t keen on meeting anyone at the very start of the day and continued retreating to my room.

“Gee come here,” I heard Frank beckon from his room.

I opened the door and stepped inside his atrociously messy room that smelled like cologne and weed, “Yeah?” 

He pulled a green shirt over his torso and walked to me, “Are you gonna be home later tonight?” His stare was less inviting and more inquisitorial. 

“Uh,” I stared deeply into his intoxicating eyes once more, and without thinking said, “Yeah I will be probably.”

“Good.” He smirked, shuffling past me and out of his room.

“Wait Frank, who is that? Where are you going?” I said just above a whisper as Frank was racing down the stairs.

“Alright Lucas get your nasty ass out of my house.” He shouted down at the man who now had a name.

“You fuckin’ prick-” The two of them exchanged laughs as they shut the front door behind them, leaving me just outside the doorway of Frank’s room. 

Why did he ask me if I was going to be home later? What did he mean he said he ‘wanted me to think about him’? How did that guy know who I was? And WHY was he being so cryptic and confusing and why was I playing right into his hands? 

I tried to wrap my head around Frank and the way he was treating me all of a sudden but I realized that it wasn’t just me. Frank always had a lovable and addicting personality that everyone gravitated toward, and most of the time he knew exactly what to do to get what he wanted. Especially for me.

You could never stay away or be mad at him for too long. His sweet voice and inviting gestures would always win in the end. It made all the bad times seem so small when he was able to make me feel this good. 

But Frank's charming and loving ways were like a fire, and every time I got too close I would get burned. Over and over again. 

And here I was again. Happily throwing myself to the flames. I could only hope that this time his heat would engulf me and the pain would finally be worth it.


	5. Powerless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard hangs out with Miles while Frank goes out drinking. Right when Miles is about to confess something, someone calls Gerard and gives him some scary news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has an abuse TW in the middle of it when talking about Frank's childhood. Nothing is explicitly described but abuse is mentioned, and I put markers in there for it so those that don't want to read it don't have to c:
> 
> Hope you enjoy c: xx P.S the next one WILL be in Frank's POV.

I had debated as to whether or not going to Miles’ house was a good idea. Frank was making me nervous. His actions were becoming contradictory and unpredictable. But I was like a rubber band. He'd treat me weird and give me mixed signals and I’d try to distance myself even a little bit, and I’d snap right back.

I had stupidly told him that I was going to be home later when I had already made plans with Miles. But I figured just going and hanging out with him for a few hours wouldn’t be bad as long as I was home before Frank got home, which, by the looks of it, was going to be late anyway, since most of the times that he left during the day he wasn't home until at least 10 pm if not later

Miles lived in his own apartment across town. It was a nicer part of town than the area Frank and I lived in, with an even nicer apartment. It was more like a small house. His parents both worked in the medical field, so it explained a lot of why he was able to afford those kinds of things. 

I always wondered if people like Frank and I would’ve turned out differently if our home lives were different growing up. I think that’s why we got along so well though too. My parents divorced when I was young, and I never really saw my dad, so I wasn’t physically abused or anything, but there was definitely strife between my parents. And there was definitely more strife between Frank and his dad.

\---------------Parental Abuse TW---------------

Frank wanted to do other things. His focus was on film and music and creating things and THAT’S what he was driven to do. And his dad didn’t like that. He wanted Frank to be a lawyer or an engineer or some shitty mind-numbing, high paying job that Frank despised. Frank had so many talents and it pissed me off to see them squashed every day by his own dad. 

I remember he used to keep his guitar at my place because he knew if his dad found it he’d smash it. But I didn’t mind at all. He was so excited to show me every time he learned a new song. He even tried to teach me a few chords but I think he knew I was a hopeless learner when it came to instruments. Every time Frank would come over, my mom would make a special dinner. I think she caught on that Frank’s family couldn’t afford to feed him all the time, so he, me, and my mom had dinner together a lot. She also noticed whenever he had cuts or bruises on him and she’d always ask me if he was okay and a lot of the times I didn’t really know. When I asked, he’d always just say “when I hang out with you, I wanna have a good time and focus on right now. Instead of dwelling on that other shit.”

A lot of the times I’d beg him to stay the night because some nights I was really worried about him. The cops were called to his house more than a few times, and there was one day he didn’t come to school and I was so anxious and nauseous all day that I made my mom call his mom to make sure he was okay. He always thought I was so silly for worrying about him, and he'd always reassure me by saying, "C'mon I'd never leave you, Gee. It's you and me against the world." It was cheesy, we both knew that, but that's truly what it felt like. It felt like we were two sidekicks trying to navigate a world of supervillains. 

\---------------End of TW-----------------

Frank was unrecognizable before he moved out. He’s much better and happier now that he’s out of that situation, but it still bothers me that he drinks so much, especially when that's the thing he hated the most about his dad. And I was worried a lot of the time that that was the reason that we somewhat grew apart because I wasn’t into the partying scene like he was. 

I just hoped he’d grow tired of it at some point.

\-------------------------------------

I pulled into Miles’ driveway around 6 o’clock that evening and I saw him open the front door as I got out of my car. He had dark blue skinny jeans on and a black t-shirt, his dark blonde hair tousled to one side.

He smiled, “Nice getup punk boy.”

He was referring to my ripped black jeans and black flag sweatshirt. “I know, it’s a step up from my slept-in sweatpants and messy hair from the other day right?”

“Oh no believe me I loved that look too,” he laughed.

I honestly loved Miles’ place. It was for the most part always clean and it always smelled nice, but what I really liked about it was that he had pieces of art hanging all around the apartment, some from which he purchased and some he painted or drew himself.

Miles was a fantastic artist. His drawings were much more realistic and metaphorical while mine were more comic-like and cartoonish. Still, I couldn’t help complimenting one as we stepped into the living room.

“You painted this one?” It was the bottom half of a head with the top half filled with fire, the background revealing a wash of different neutral colors mixed together, making the fire stand out.

“That one? Yeah, I painted that one a few weeks ago. I was using new acrylic paint so it feathered really nice on the canvas and made it look cool.”

I stared at the image, thinking about its ironic imagery at this point in my life, “So beautiful.”

“Yeah.” He said softly. I looked over to see him staring at me and quickly glancing back at the painting. “You know, you can have it if you want.”

I was taken back, “Wait what? But it’s your painting-”

“I have a lot of other ones. Plus I want you to have it,” He pulled the tack from the wall, releasing the canvas, “I can sign it, that way, when I get rich and famous, you can sell it on eBay and make millions,” He shrugged, “I’m just looking out for you Gee!”

It was always weird when someone other than Frank called me Gee. It sounded strange coming out of Miles. I think it’s because only my mom and Frank had called me Gee pretty much my whole life. I didn’t mind it, it was just different.

“Surree,” I mocked, receiving the work of art, tracing its stroke patterns with my eyes and wishing I wasn’t so distracted all the time so I could make something cool like this, “Thank you.”

\---------------------------------------

We spent the rest of the night playing different video games in the living room, making jokes about our professors and talking about our favorite Mario characters when he suddenly pauses the game, “How about we make this race a little interesting.”

“Oh god, what does that mean?” He smiled deviously at me, sulking in the silence as my eyes lit up, “what?!”

“Whoever loses has to tell the other who they have a crush on.” He looked very pleased with himself but I was definitely less than pleased.

“Oh come on Miles,” I rolled my eyes and rubbed my hands over my face, “What are we, middle-schoolers?” 

“Oh? Well it shouldn’t be that hard then, should it?” He crossed his arms at me, smiling and sticking his tongue in his cheek.

It wasn’t that I minded telling Miles I had a crush on someone, what I MINDED was that my crush was my best friend of 18 years and just so happened to be the person Miles did not like and thought was a bad influence on me. This thing happening between me and Frank was so specific and weird and vulnerable and very private. It almost felt wrong to open up and tell someone else about it, mostly because I knew how it would be received. I loved Miles, but he could be judgemental sometimes. He didn’t know Frank like I did. He wouldn’t understand.

“Ahhh I don’t know,” I shook my head and stared at the floor.

“You’ve literally been winning the majority of these races, why are you even worried?” 

“You kicked my ass on that last one what do you mean! You’re just trying to expose all my secrets then?” Defensive, I leaned further against the couch.

He tilted his head down at me, “Come on scaredy pants don’t be a pussy.”

I huffed. I suppose I did have a chance at winning, I also had a chance of admitting to him that I liked Frank and having him have a serious conversation with me about what he thinks is best for me, but I decided the more defensive I was the more suspicious it would be.

“Fuck it, fine.”

Miles was in the lead the whole race, with me trailing behind him until the third lap when I finally hit him with a red shell and finished the race in first place.

“Fuck yes!” A wave of relief came over me.

“That was a cheap move you asshole! Letting me lead that whole time.” He rubbed his face and combed through his hair. “I can’t believe you.”

“Ahem,” I exaggerated. He looked at me, “I believe we made a bet.”

“Yeah yeah alright fine, since I’m not the one taking cheap shots.” He positioned himself so that he had one leg up on the couch facing me. He averted his eyes and smiled, “Fuck this sucks…”

“That bad huh?”

“Well, it’s just, I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d say it like this I guess.” 

I furrowed my eyebrows and was slightly amused by his vagueness. 

“Okay fine, but can you promise me something?” His voice suddenly sounded less joking and more sincere as his brown eyes met mine.

“Yeah of course what is it?” I leaned in to try and show him that I was listening carefully.

“Can you promise it won’t make things weird between us?” His breath was a little shaky.

What did he mean by that? Why would he think that I cared about who he liked? I guess we were on the same page then, what with both of us being worried about what the other might think, “Uh, yeah? Of course, why would anything be weird between us? You know I’m not gonna judge you, you can like who you like I don’t care-”

“It’s not that,” he cut me off, “I don’t know, I guess it’s-”

I suddenly saw my phone light up next to my leg, seeing that there was an incoming call. I picked it up and read the name.

“Frank”

I saw there were 3 missed calls from him and my heart suddenly sank into my stomach.

“I’m sorry one second,” I paused Miles and answered the phone in a panic, “Frank what’s going on?”

“Hello is this Gerard?” An unfamiliar female voice came through the speaker. The background was filled with music and people shouting.

“Yeah? Who is this? Where’s Frank?” My heart pounded against my chest as I tried to form coherent sentences.

“This is Nicole. Frank, uh, he didn’t want us to call the police, he wanted us to call you, but something happened and he passed out and we didn’t know what to do-” her voice sounded only slightly panicked. Much less panicked than mine.

“Oh my god, where is he? Where are you right now?” I stood, ready to run out the door already, forgetting the conversation Miles and I had entirely. 

“We’re at the Loop Lounge downtown. Can you come pick him up we don’t know what to do-”

“Is he fucking breathing?” I was almost hysterical at this point.

“Yes he’s breathing he just-”

“Okay stay with him I’m on my way right now.” I hung up and grabbed my keys.

“What happened? Is everything okay?” Miles tried to grab my arm.

“Miles I’m sorry Frank’s at a bar something happened I don’t know but I have to make sure he’s okay-” my voice rambled and I was on the verge of tears as I was rearing my body to leave.

“Hey it’s okay! Go check on him, it sounds serious.” He reassured me when at first I thought he was going to be angry that I was leaving at the excuse of Frank. “Do you need me to come?”

“Uh no no I’ll let you know what’s happened though.” My words came out in a fast panic.

“Please do, text me later okay?”

And with that, I raced out of Miles’ apartment faster than my legs could carry. I hopped in my car and finally looked at the time.

10:33.

Fuck it was later than I thought, fuck.

Tears stung at my eyes at the thought of what could’ve happened because I wasn’t there and didn’t answer his calls and it made me feel like I was going to throw up.

Goddammit Frank god fucking dammit please please be okay.


	6. Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank is having a hard time articulating his feelings for Gerard. He wants to open up about it, until he sees that he's with Miles that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all!  
> THE FRANK POV I PROMISED.  
> This one's a bit longer, I didn't wanna divide it up because of the continuity. But I wanted to give you guys a peek into Frank's brain c: x

\-------Frank’s POV starting from the end of Chapter 4: I’m Stupid for you-------

Part of me was pissed off that Lucas rang the doorbell and ruined that moment. The other part was so grateful because I don’t know that I would’ve been able to stop myself at that time.

Most of the time I could control myself around him. I’ve done a pretty good fucking job of it for the last 18 years I’d say. But ever since that one night, everything was getting out of hand. I couldn’t stop fucking thinking about it.

And if I knew why I kissed him that night, I’d be the smartest guy in the fucking world, but I didn’t know why. For the life of me, I didn’t know. It was a mixture of sexual tension and alcohol and him reassuring me that everything was going to be okay after I so desperately wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

He always did that for me though. Every time I felt myself spiraling out of control, he was always right there calming me down from these horrible thoughts that just consumed my brain like a hurricane. I remember back in high school having such a bad panic attack one night that I ran all the way to his house bawling my eyes out. He never tried to pry any information from me, because he didn’t care what it was about, he just wanted to make sure I was okay first. He just held me on his bed and I cried all night, with him rubbing my back and telling me everything was going to be alright. And when I finally stopped crying we fell asleep like that. I did shit like that to him all the time, and he just accepted it. He just fully accepted me as a shitty friend and never complained, not once.

That’s why I hated myself for doing it. He is the only best friend I’ve ever had that has saved my life so many times, and I decided just now that I was going to take advantage of him this way, and I fucking hated myself for it. I hated that I was suddenly giving in to all of these urges that I had suppressed for so many years.

I knew what I was doing too. I liked watching him blush and get all flustered whenever I was around, and I liked watching him stutter his words and become weak underneath me. At first, I thought I just liked the extra attention, but no, being close to him like that now became less cautious and more like an uncontrollable urge. 

My cravings for him became so vivid and irresistible in my mind that I needed to do something to reverse it all. Because I knew I couldn’t keep fucking things up between us anymore. 

That’s why I brought Nicole home that night. 

I was hoping if I kept my body preoccupied with a girl that these thoughts about Gerard would just go away. But I was wrong. It only amplified things ten times. Because having sex with Nicole and the way she made me feel was NOTHING compared to the sheer exhilaration I felt with Gerard by just looking into his dark eyes and feeling his heart start racing when I was pressed up against him. It didn’t make any fucking sense. What once fueled a lot of my sexual desire for women and often kept my mind clear and my body occupied just felt boring and useless once I kissed Gerard. I didn’t understand how that was fucking possible and it was pissing me off.

Not only that, but I could see how jealous it made him. And at first, I was skeptical as to whether or not he was actually angry. But he wasn't afraid to be a smartass to me, and I hated that I enjoyed it. 

I took it too fucking far again. I needed to reverse it somehow. I needed a release and I needed to fucking forget about him.

\-------------------------------

“You sure you don’t wanna invite your personal bitch?”

We were all hanging out at Lucas’s apartment talking about going out and drinking when he suddenly announced this from the other side of the couch.

I shot him a look of utter confusion, “Nicole?”

He threw his head back, “No motherfucker, Gerard.”

I tucked my lips in and nodded sarcastically, “Ah, yeah, good one asshole.” I don’t know why, but whenever Lucas talked about Gerard it pressed my buttons. Probably because whenever he talked about him, it wasn't good.

“Oh come on Frank I think we’d have fun with him!” Isaac insisted loudly from the kitchen as he leaned over the counter.

Isaac was Lucas’s roommate and was a total dickbag. He once ended up in jail for trying to set his ex-girlfriend's car on fire but she ended up not pressing charges and was still able to attend University. “It’s not fair you have him all to yourself. Sharing is caring after all.”

I raised my hands out, “Am I having fucking deja vu, because I feel like I’ve already fucking told you guys that Gerard’s not into the partying and drinking scene.” 

“But with the way he acts around you, and with the way you talk about him,” Lucas rubbed his chin, “it seems like we could get him to do whatever we want.”

“What the fuck do you mean?” 

“Jesus Frankie come on the guy was practically drooling watching you walk up the fucking stairs.” Lucas was trying to get me to admit something that wasn’t true. Gerard was his own person and he wasn’t wrapped around my finger like these guys thought, there's no fucking way.

I gave him a pissed off look, “Alright and what does that prove?”

He leaned in close to me, “He’s easy, Frank.” His words and sarcastic smile were making my blood boil. He didn’t know Gerard like I did. Gerard was not easy. 

Isaac chimed in from the kitchen once again, “We could probably get him to swing some blow for us. Who wouldn’t want a pretty face like his giving them money for drugs-”

“Or,” I stood up angrily, “How about you guys shut the fuck up before I punch your teeth out?” I could feel my heart rate quicken and my face burn. They didn’t know a single thing about him. Gerard was too good for that kind of thing. These guys were not good people and I would never let him get tangled up in their lifestyle.

Or now my lifestyle, I guess.

Lucas raised his hands in defense and was shocked by my sudden outburst, “Hey man no need to get pissed, we were just messin’ around.”

“Yeah, well,” I knew they weren’t kidding. They’d gotten people to do the dirty work for them plenty of times because these guys were on the police’s radar and weren’t taking any chances, “Nicole is waiting at the bar for us and so is her friend so if either of you are planning on getting laid tonight I suggest we go.”

\-------------------------------------------------------

The lounge was packed with people, some from the University, some who were definitely too old to be hitting on college girls.

This was a typical weekend for us. Listening to the shitty hip hop and pop music blaring all throughout the bar and the smell of sweat and booze hit me all at once when we walked in. It was only about 15 minutes of walking around with drinks when Lucas ditched me to dance with Nicole's friend and Isaac was trying to work his fuckboy charm to the group of girls on the other side of the bar. The bright colorful lights flashed and disoriented me as I downed another shot of tequila. The only person who hadn’t abandoned the bar with me was Nicole and she kept touching my leg and it was only making me more anxious the longer the night went on.

♫ 𝘞𝘦 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦. 𝘚𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺, 𝘳𝘶𝘯 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦 ♫

This fucking sucked, because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I kept worrying I had worsened things between us by being with Nicole and making him jealous and that I should have just opened up and told him. It was a weird dilemma because when I’m out somewhere having a great time, I wished he was there with me. And whenever I’m upset and anxious, all I want to do is to be with him because I know he’ll make me feel better.

But what do you do when the one person who can calm you down is the same person causing the mess inside your head?

It was only when I looked around as I sat on the barstool that I realized how drunk I had gotten. Watching all the people dancing and making out with each other, the world seemed to move in slow motion. Something I used to do almost every weekend to let go of how shitty life could be most of the time didn’t seem fun tonight. For once, booze wasn't providing me the respite that I needed from all these confusing fucking thoughts and feelings.

Nicole leaned over incredibly close to my ear, “You know, we could go out there and dance if you want to baby," she kissed behind my ear and I jolted back.

Dancing was the last thing I wanted to do right now, and I couldn’t spot Lucas or Isaac anywhere to save me, “Uh, one sec I gotta piss I’ll be right back.”

I got up and shuffled through the crowd of sweaty people, swaying heavily until I finally clung to a wall on the opposite side of the bar near the bathroom. I grabbed my phone and stared at Gerard’s contact on the screen, my thumb hovering over the call button.

I didn’t know what I was going to say if I called. He probably didn’t want to talk to me considering everything that’s happened. I guess I just wanted to hear his voice. 

And for once, tell him I’m sorry that I fucked everything up between us.

I called three times with no answer. On the third try I left a message:

“Hey Gee... It’s Frankie. I know you, uh, you probably hate me right now, because I’ve been a shitty friend lately, and I haven’t been honest with you,” I looked out at the crowd of unfamiliar faces, “I’m trying to get better. I wanna try for you. You make me want to be a better person, because, you’re an amazing person. You’re the only thing I like about me right now.” My voice started to waver a bit so I swallowed hard, “I’ll be home soon. There's a lot I wanna say, okay? I’ll see you in a bit.” 

Gerard could always tell whenever I was drunk on the phone, no matter how much I faked it, and he could probably hear the crowd and the music but I didn’t care. I just wanted to go home and see him again.

I didn't feel like going back to Nicole just yet, so I checked my social media and suddenly saw a post from Gerard pop up. It was a picture of himself, playing a video game:

[Hacked! :P Look at this qt :) ]

I felt my heart sink to my stomach.

I knew that apartment. I knew whose paintings were on the walls. Gerard came home with one of them one night and insisted on showing me, raving about the detail and the realism of it, as if I cared in the slightest. I was too busy bottling up all my insecurity inside, trying not to break apart at the seams because I don’t know why, but the way he talked about him made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. It made me feel like Gerard was fascinated by something that I couldn’t provide. 

And he was, because he was with Miles.

He was with Miles when he should’ve been with me tonight. 

I hated Miles the first time I met him. Because I saw the way he looked at Gerard. Gerard might be oblivious to it, but I could see the way Miles looked him up and down when Gerard first brought him over and everything in my body wanted to punch his pretty fucking face and tell him to stay the fuck away from Gerard. Gerard doesn’t see it because he’s too sweet and empathetic, but I see what Miles is doing. That guy wants one fucking thing from Gerard, and he didn’t deserve it. Gerard is too good and too genuine to have Miles hanging around him like he’s just an easy fuck.

But Gerard liked Miles. I knew he did from the way he talked about him. Whenever he talked about his classes with me, Miles would always fucking come up, and it never failed to make my stomach twist into knots. Gerard saw how irritated it made me and reassured me that Miles wasn’t his ‘new best friend’ and that I would always be his first, but that wasn’t what I was pissed off about. It was never that.

I wasn't jealous. How could I be? I had no right to be. Gerard was allowed to do whatever the fuck he wanted. 

As I stared down at the picture on my phone, looking at Gerard holding a controller and smiling up at the TV, I realized, this was my fucking fault. I was pushing him away because I was taking advantage of him and treating him differently and I was unraveling all of these complicated and violent emotions that I didn't even fucking understand and Gerard was just getting sucked into the middle of it. He was finding someone else, someone better to spend his time with. 

It didn’t even fucking matter anymore. It never mattered in the first place. Who was I kidding? I never stood a fucking chance. I’m a broke, worthless, loser piece of shit, why would someone like him want to be with someone like me.

I hastily walked back to the bar and asked the bartender for three more shots. He looked at me, questioning if I was serious, but my heart was pounding and I wore the anger on my face enough that the guy went ahead and poured me three more shots.

Fuck Gerard. Fuck Miles. Fuck me for ever thinking I had a chance. 

As I downed them all one by one, I looked out into the crowd, listening to the music.

♫ 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘸𝘦 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴? 𝘎𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦, 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 ♫

When you suddenly realize that nothing in your life matters and you don't mean anything to anyone, life becomes a lot more fucking fun.

The lights pulsed and I felt the alcohol warm my stomach and begin entering my bloodstream as I saw Nicole's sparkly shirt from the other side of the bar. 

She signaled her finger for me to come toward her. I moved away from the bar, which I suddenly realized was a bad idea because it was the only thing holding my body up. I stumbled and swayed through the crowd, bumping into unsuspecting strangers when I finally fell into Nicole in front of me. 

Laughing, she gave me leverage to stand up. I pulled her close by the waist and I could barely make out her facial features even though I was right in front of her.

She leaned close to my ear again, "Baby I have a surprise for you," she led my unbalanced body over to a counter in the corner of the bar. Crowded in the corner were Lucas and Isaac and many others that I didn't recognize.

"FRANKIEEE!" Lucas's drunk body suddenly pulled me into his side. "Where the fuck have you been? Isaac's girl hooked us up big time brother!" He pulled me close to the counter, which I now saw had a line of white stretched across it. He hit my back and pushed me forward, "Sniff up buttercup!"

"Holy fuck," I said, looking down at the thick line of powder beneath me.

This is what I fucking needed.

Without hesitation, I sniffed the line as the crowd of people cheered drunkenly around me.

I felt every ounce of powder shoot straight to my head and felt a wave of warmth rush over me. 

"That's my fucking boy!" Lucas pulled me in again as I slowly felt the effects of it settling in and mixing with the mass amounts of alcohol in my bloodstream.

I felt fucking amazing. This was what I needed to go all fucking night. Within a few minutes, a wave of energy passed through me and I was dancing with Nicole and shouting the lyrics to songs I didn't even know. My inhibitions were gone and it felt like this was the only night of my life that mattered because of how ecstatic I felt.

My body went on to enjoy itself for another ten minutes before I started sweating profusely, and Nicole had stopped dancing with me but I didn't even notice. My body was on autopilot but suddenly I was feeling extremely light-headed and started stumbling until my body hit against the wall and slid to the floor.

My heart was racing and I ran my hands through my hair suddenly realizing my hair was soaked with sweat. I tried to steady my breathing but I was starting to get scared and feeling like I was hyperventilating. I looked around to see if I could find Lucas or Nicole but everybody was blurry and indistinguishable and seemed to move erratically, not noticing me. I felt my chest begin to tighten and my whole body start shaking uncontrollably.

"We need to call the fucking ambulance or somebody," I didn't see the person that said this, but I felt them yell it right next to me and scare the shit out of me.

Out of nothing but pure panic and fear of getting arrested for this I screamed, "DON'T FUCKING CALL THE POLICE CALL GERARD!"

That was the last thing I remembered before blacking out completely.


	7. Trouble Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard finally rescues Frank from his overdose at the bar but the night definitely ends better than it began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another All Time Low title whuddup.  
> Enjoy the cute ending of this scene because shit is about to hit the fan again. Oops
> 
> (ALSO DISCLAIMER: If someone overdoses on drugs, no matter what, take them to the hospital. Gerard is a dumbass in love, don't follow his example)
> 
> Enjoy! c: xx

\----------Back to Gerard’s POV From the Current Point-----------

I halted to a stop at the Loop Lounge with my heart racing with so much fear and anxiety that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I swung open the door to find a mass amount of intoxicated people dancing to loud music. I started moving throughout the room, my eyes scanning every person, trying to find Frank or anyone who knew where he was.

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw a small group of people crowded around a corner. I ran over and pushed the crowd of drunk bystanders out of the way and saw Frank unconscious up against the wall.

“What the fuck!” I leaned down gripping his shoulders, “What the fuck happened?!” I looked up at the group of semi-familiar friends of Frank’s as their faces were shocked and confused.

“We don’t know. He just passed out,” the girl who must’ve been Nicole said, clearly not wanting to incriminate herself. I recognized her as the girl that Frank brought home the other night.

Then I looked down at Frank once more, realizing he was soaked with sweat, and there were white pieces of powder decorating the bottom of his nose.

“Jesus fucking christ,” Now I understood why Frank didn’t want to call the police.

Frank had been caught with drugs in his car and received a misdemeanor charge a few months ago. The state told him that if he was caught with it again he’d serve a minimum of 6 months in jail. When I asked him about it though, he told me Lucas had left it in his car, and that he wasn’t using.

Looking at him passed out with powder under his nose in a pool of sweat I realized now that was a fucking lie.

“Frankie,” I held his face in my hands, praying to whoever would listen that he would fucking wake up, “Frankie come on wake up, please, come on.” 

His face felt cold. The obnoxious club music underscored as I tried desperately to decide what to do. The people around me stood dumbfounded as the realness of the situation finally set in on what was supposed to be a fun night for them.

As I contemplated saying fuck it and calling an ambulance, I saw Frank’s eyelids lift open, and look straight at me with the biggest and most dilated pupils.

“FUCK FRANK-” It came out like a cry as I pulled his whole body into me and held him for a moment, “Oh my god Frank what the fuck were you thinking-”

“Gee I’m scared,” Frank said in a soft voice but I could still hear him above the music as I felt his body shaking in my embrace.

“I know I’m here you’re gonna be okay, uh-,” I panicked, looking around at the crowd of people, “Somebody get me a bottle of water!”

Nicole hastily left the group and came back with bottled water and I looked back down at Frank and he was on the verge of tears. I gripped his face forcing him to look at me, “I’m gonna get you out of here, okay?”

Frank nodded, though still out of it, and I grabbed the bottle of water out of Nicole’s hand and scooped Frank up in my arms as I carried him out of the bar and into my car. 

He tucked his legs against his chest and put his face into his knees, “Gee my head really hurts,” his voice whimpered and I felt my chest ache.

“I know buddy you’re gonna be okay, drink some water,” He carefully took a sip of water, immediately coughing and almost throwing it back up afterward. “Just hang on Frankie I’m gonna get you home okay?” 

He nodded with his face still against his knees. As I sped down the streets, he grabbed my hand and held it tightly the whole ride home. 

I was downplaying how scared I was. I was terrified. I didn’t know how much cocaine he had done, and I didn’t know if he mixed it with alcohol. Although by the smell of him, I could assume he did. Everything in my brain was telling me to take him to the hospital, but I was so scared and didn’t know what to do that I brought him inside and carried him up to his room. 

He seemed to be calming down a little, or he at least had stopped sweating, but he was still shaking heavily and had begun crying.

I put him down on his bed and was about to go get him some more water when he yanked my hand back.

“I need to get you more water Frank-” I pleaded to him but he didn’t let go.

“Please don’t leave me Gee,” saliva had begun dripping outside of Frank’s mouth and his whole face became pale with tear streaks down his cheeks, “my whole head hurts, please don't leave me alone,” he cried again, resting his forehead against my hand.

I caved and sat beside him and pulled him into me, holding his head and body tightly as he cried against my chest, “just calm down Frankie you’re gonna be okay, I promise. Would I ever let anything happen to you?” I know it wasn’t right to feel responsible for him, but I fucking did. The truth is that no one seemed to care about Frank like I did. I cared so much, and if something bad did happen, I probably would blame myself. The thought that I could have lost him tonight was enough to make tears begin stinging at my eyes and made me hold onto him even tighter.

He gripped onto my sweatshirt, “I did this to myself,” his whole body shook as I stroked his side, “I thought you hated me.”

“Oh my god Frankie,” I pressed my head into his neck, almost cradling him. It made my heart ache to hear him say these things, “Why on earth would I hate you?”

“Because I’m just like my fucking dad-”

“Stop it. Right fucking now.” Frank didn’t like to talk about his dad or his past at all. It would get him worked up and make him upset. So I never made him talk about it. “You’re nothing like your dad.”

He sniffled and slowly calmed his breathing down, “how do you know that?”

“Well Frank,” I sighed, letting him lean into me comfortably, “sometimes I feel like I know you better than you know yourself.”

He wrapped his arms around my torso, embracing me back for the first time since we got home, “I’m okay with that. I really am.” I could tell by his voice that the lump in his throat started to go away. 

We sat there in silence for a while with me caressing him, trying to ease his trembling body, and him gripping onto me tightly. I thanked every powerful being that I could that he was okay. I felt his breathing finally become slow and steady, "Does your head feel better at all?"

He nodded, “Can we lie down?”

I carefully helped him lay back as he shifted closer to me, never letting go of my torso. We laid there, looking at each other's faces for a moment.

It sounds cheesy as hell, but I realized Frank was a lot like the moon, and I was like the sun. It was so easy for me to wear my emotions and keep a lot of my life an open book to the people around me.

Frank was just different. He kept parts of himself hidden, parts that he didn’t want other people to see. If they were lucky, Frank would show most people one side of him, afraid and ashamed of everything else about him. And he succeeded a lot of the time in fooling other people, but not me.

I’ve seen ‘everything else’. I’ve seen all parts of the moon. And even now in its darkest moment it was still shining brightly, every time he looked at me.

I was lost in thought and didn’t notice how close he was getting to me. His hand had traveled underneath my sweatshirt and was placed on my back, cautiously moving his fingers against my skin, while mine was continuously tucking his hair behind his ear. Color had gone back into his face and the tears dried on his cheeks. The look in his eyes was calm, which I was thankful for. His slow blinks indicated to me that he was tired from the events of the night. 

We were quiet for some time, just looking at each other and analyzing each other’s features when he suddenly whispered to me, “why do you put up with me?” His voice sounded soft and broken. His dark eyes locked on mine and his expression was unreadable.

I stared back at him nervously, “There’s a lot of reasons.”

“Give me one.”

His hand pulled me closer as I tried to steady my breathing, not exactly sure what kind of words I was about to let escape my mouth, “I guess, there’s just something about you, that I’m afraid to lose, because I know I won’t find it in anyone else.” 

These moments I kept having with Frank were rare. They were ironic, and yet so addicting. Frank’s entire being was chaotic. His emotions were unpredictable and dangerous, but exciting and real. He had this uncontrollable urge to sabotage himself and wreak havoc to everything around him.

And yet here we were. I was able to still him for just a moment, quiet his mind, and hold him again, with only the sounds of our clumsy breathing breaking the silence. 

He pulled me in closer, resting his forehead on mine, and my body immediately froze. I could feel his nose gently brush up against mine and I felt chills run throughout my body.

I could feel the dried sweat in his hair as my hand gripped involuntarily at the sudden closeness. He pulled away only enough to look me in the eyes. I swallowed nervously, “W-why are you looking at me like that?”

“How can I not?” His eyes darted all across my face and his unpredictable nature was making my stomach turn into knots, “Gee I have to tell you something,” his breath reeked of alcohol but it was doing nothing short of intoxicating me as it fanned my face, “and I don’t know that I’m gonna be able to say it when I’m sober.”

My heart hammered against my chest, and my tone became demanding, “then say it.”

He paused, “Every time I look at you now, it feels different,” his eyes filled with intense fear, as did mine, “and when I feel you up against me like this,” his hand gripped my side and he rubbed his nose against mine once more, “it feels different, and I hate myself for it because I know it’s not right.”

His eyes were so close to mine that I lost focus and control and just stared down at his lips because jesus christ he was so close to me. I felt myself hold my breath, terrified and unable to form any sentences except, “What do you mean?” 

I knew what he meant though. I knew exactly what he meant, but I was done with him being vague. I wanted him to say something, anything that would tell me how he felt. 

“You make me want things I can’t fucking have,” His breath hit my face and his words were filled with drunken spite. He paused again, furrowing his eyebrows and exhaling frustration, “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending they’re you.”

“Then stop pretending.”

The venom in my words came as a surprise to even me, but I was so glad I said them because Frank wasted no time slamming his lips onto mine, wrapping his arms around me, and curving his body into mine.

This wasn’t like our first kiss. This was much different. This kiss felt desperate and frantic, our bodies had bottled up so much passion inside that once we finally felt each other's lips again it was almost euphoric.

His body felt so beautiful against me, squirming eagerly and unable to stay still as I desperately grabbed onto his neck with both of my hands and he kept holding onto me tightly. 

God this was nothing like our first kiss. Our first kiss was nothing but a peck compared to this. His lips felt so tender and soft and he tasted so fucking sweet as he moved his tongue along my lips begging for an entrance and I was more than happy to oblige. I could taste the sweat and alcohol on his lips but it just amplified everything ten times.

Our kissing became more and more breathless as we would only break apart to gasp for air. With the way he was moving and grinding against me it was almost unbelievable how badly we wanted each other.

He grasped at my waistband, pressing his hips into me and I knew at that moment I was in trouble because there was no way I was going to be able to stop myself from letting him do whatever he wanted to me.

But he was the one who stopped first. He suddenly pulled away, “fuck,” he immediately jumped out of bed, and at first, I was terrified and confused until he ran into the bathroom and I heard him violently throw up.

My body suddenly felt cold and confused at the sudden break from the sexual tension and I had to allow myself to come down from the high for just a moment. 

I sat up in Frank’s bed, listening to him spit in the bathroom, and I suddenly felt an immense sense of dread grow over my body and my blood ran cold.

Why was it that Frank would only kiss me, flirt with me, or show me affection when he was drunk…

I felt a sickening feeling grow in my stomach. Did he actually have feelings for me or was he just drunk and horny and I happened to be there? Was he too embarrassed by me to do this when he was sober?

I was such a fucking idiot. God, how could I do this to him when he was completely fucked off of alcohol and drugs barely over an hour ago? I just wanted it so fucking bad for so long that I wasn’t even thinking-, and now he was vomiting in the bathroom and probably wasn’t going to remember this at all in the morning.

I felt tears sting at my eyes and walked stiffly back to my room and closed the door quietly.

“Gee?” I heard Frank call from the bathroom, and then I heard the bathroom door open, “Gee please I’m sorry, please don’t go to your room-” his voice sounded soft and childlike on the other side of my door.

I felt a single tear run down my cheek as I listened to his plea. I couldn't keep this up. I couldn't keep playing this mind game, unaware of how he actually fucking felt about me. I sighed and pressed my forehead to the door near the opening, “Frank, I can’t do this when you’re drunk. I just can’t,” he was silent, “Frank please. I want to talk about this, but you need to be sober. I need you to be sober,” he was silent once more, “please.”

“Okay.”

I peeked through the crack of the door but saw nothing but darkness in the hallway, “Promise?”

He paused and then confidently said, “I promise.” 

“Thank you.” I sighed in relief, not exactly sure what was going to happen the next morning but it was better than nothing at this point. I was done playing this game and I needed to know how he felt so I could stop feeling so god damn anxious and angry toward him all the time. 

Even if this was just a sexual thing for him, and it meant nothing to him, I needed to fucking know. I couldn't keep getting my hopes up just to repeatedly get hurt over and over again.

“Goodnight Gee,” he said quietly to the door.

“Night Frankie.”


	8. Dirty Laundry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank promised he would finally talk to Gerard about the other night, but flakes on him. Gerard decides to let things simmer down by focusing on upcoming exams and meeting up with Miles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, it took me a while to come up with where I wanted the story to go, and I've been in the middle of writing the next few chapters, so expect the next one sooner. This chapter is pretty short and uneventful again but I needed some time to pass to set up the scene for the next few chapters. Shit will hit the fan again soon dw.
> 
> Enjoy some more Frank disappointment c: xx

The bright light from my window shined on my face and stung at my eyes as I woke up the next morning.

I groaned and grabbed my phone to check the time.

12:33 pm

Jesus christ, how late were we up last night? It must have been at least until 3 am.

I unlocked my phone and saw that I had a message from Frank,  
[Had to go take care of something. I’ll be home later, I still want to talk, I promise.]

I breathed a deep sigh and put down the phone as I rubbed my face.

Of course, he’s not home. Of course he bailed at the right moment. He chickened out just like he always does. 

My heart was still so full of hope though that I believed him. He said he still wanted to talk, and that’s more than I’ve gotten from him so far.

I couldn’t stop thinking about last night either. I bit my lip, still somewhat able to taste the memory from hours ago. I wanted it all back, and more. I wanted to wake up next to him. I wanted to memorize every inch of his body. I wanted him to look at me the way he did last night for the rest of my life. Being held and kissed by Frank like that was a privilege that not many people get to experience and I was grateful and selfish all at the same time because I had finally experienced it and I wanted him entirely to myself.

Those words he said rang in my ears even now as I laid in bed just staring at the ceiling. He was sick of pretending. So was I goddammit. I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t feel anything for him. I don’t know if he only said what he said because he was drunk, but that kiss didn’t feel like a drunk kiss to me. It felt so real. I had waited so long for something like last night to happen and it felt better than anything I had imagined.

And yet, he had to be drunk in order to kiss me like that. 

I was done pretending. I was done playing nice. I needed to know why.

\-----------------------------------------

I went to my two classes that day with a foggy mind. My biology class just consisted of me nervously checking my phone and biting my nails, desperately trying to listen to the lecture and failing.

My second class was much better though because it was my fine arts class, and the professor let us work on our midterm projects.

Drawing was like an escape to me. The reason I loved to draw comics is because I could easily insert myself into a drawing and get completely enveloped in a world of superheroes and villains and post-apocalyptic worlds. It let me ignore all the things that made me anxious in real life.

But it never lasted beyond the canvas or paper. Especially not right now when my brain felt like a tsunami of thoughts and emotions that I myself couldn't understand.

I went back home to walk into an empty apartment. By this time it was 5 pm. 

I started to get that sickening feeling again. The anxiety rose up in my stomach and my heart raced as fast as my mind was asking questions.

Why wasn’t he home yet? Was he out partying again? Was he with Nicole? What if he doesn’t show up tonight?

I decided that if I was going to last all night I needed to distract myself, so I sat in the living room and watched badly made horror movies until it was finally dark outside. 

10:36 pm.

I called him, but the phone rang twice and then went to voicemail. 

He hung up on me.

Part of me was worried, and the other part was fucking furious. I was worried that he might have gotten himself into trouble again, but how could I be a concerned friend if he was literally ignoring my calls on purpose.

I had no idea where he was. I hoped he was okay, but it was getting increasingly hard to worry about someone who obviously didn’t give a shit about me enough to follow through on plans we had made.

Or at least have the balls to answer my calls and tell me why...

I had pretty much decided that he wasn’t going to come back, so I retired to my room, angry, annoyed, worried, and the most passive I have ever felt toward him in our entire relationship.

[hope you’re okay]

I sent the message and went to sleep, unsure of where he was and what he had gotten himself into. It was starting to scare me.

But what scared me more was how much I had started not to care.

\----------------------------------------

When I woke up the next day I received another text from Frank,

[I’ll explain later]

He was going to have to beg on his knees in order for me to forgive him for this. He lied, once again, and told me we were going to talk, and once again he completely avoided the conversation. How fucking hard was it for him to just talk to me?

I didn’t know, but I couldn’t keep fucking dwelling on it. I hadn’t studied for my midterms in days and I had two tomorrow. I was a little mad at myself for letting my grades fall on the backburner of all of this, but I was making up for it by deciding to spend pretty much the whole day sitting in my room and studying. 

I was almost dreading Frank coming home and having to face him. I could see it play out in my head. He’d either completely ignore what happened last night, or ignore the fact that he ditched me. Part of him wants things to go back to normal but part of him wants to just keep me on a leash so that he can decide when and where he wants to act on things between us?

As much as I wanted him, it wasn’t worth all of this emotional turmoil for us to just keep playing this game of back and forth.

I was finishing memorizing the genus and phylum of the organisms for my biology midterm when Miles called me:

“Hello?”

“Heyyy what’s uuup?” His high pitched voice through the receiver made me laugh.

“That voice is way too suspicious…what do you want?”

“Oh come on!! I haven’t even said anything yet!” His giggle echoed through the phone.

“Usually when you sound like that you need a favor-”

“No favor I swear! I’m just bored and lonely and wanted some company. What are you doing?”

I sighed, staring down at the mass amounts of papers on my desk, “I’ve been trying to distract myself by studying because I have two exams tomorrow that I feel like I’m gonna fail.”

“Want some help?”

“Hm, by help do you mean me bringing over my books with the intent to study but end up playing Mario kart?”

“Your words not mine-”

I paused, “I don’t know Miles...I’m really worried about these exams. I haven’t been able to focus these past few days-”

“What if I promise not to distract you and actually help you study.”

I thought about it as I looked around my room at the candy wrappers and empty cans of soda scattered around me.

Yeah, maybe it was a good idea for me to get out of the house. I had been sitting in here for way too long, “And if you don’t?”

“You can take home the goddamn painting that you left over here-” He teased as I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Ahh shit you’re right I’m sorry-”

“Yeah yeah, whatever just get your ass over here.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in a few.”

Miles seemed to always swoop in at the right moment and make me feel better. It wasn’t going to make me forget about Frank. I was still anxious about the whole situation, but it was going to distract me long enough to pass my exams. 

I couldn't just keep putting my life and my plans on hold for him anymore.


	9. Stomach Aches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miles always knows just what to say to make Gerard feel better, especially when he's upset. But all of that changes when Miles admits to Gerard where Frank spent the night last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAD TO POST THE NEXT CHAPTER I WAS JUST EXCITED. It'll be a few more days before the next one though. And it'll probably be another Frank POV...
> 
> EnJoy! x

“Hagfish,” Miles said, holding up the same picture that I had gotten wrong the last three times.

I found it sweet that Miles wanted to help me study. He kept his promise and we had done nothing but flip through flashcards for my biology and literature exams for the past two hours. I think he could tell how stressed out I was and wanted to alleviate some of the tension.

“Phylum Chordata.”

“Holy shit you remembered! Okay and the last one?” He held up an image of a spider.

“Oh shit, umm, umm.... arthropod?”

“YES! You got them all that time!” Miles brown eyes beamed as he gripped me in a hug, “My best friend is a genius I’m so proud-”

I hugged him back and laughed, “I don’t know about that,” I sat back into the couch and ran my fingers through my disheveled hair. Sometimes I felt like a dumbass trying to study with Miles, either because he was smarter, or he was just better at school than me. But he never believed it. He liked to say I was a “nerd behind the goth facade”, which I always thought was totally wrong but still funny. “I’m just trying to pass these stupid GE classes so I can actually take classes for my major.”

“I have no doubt you will, with flying colors,” Miles said, taking a sip of his drink, “you never give yourself enough credit.”

I tucked my knees to my chest, “What do you mean?”

He rolled his eyes and threw his head back like he couldn’t believe what I had said, “Shut up are you kidding me?” I just shrugged and shook my head at him and he sighed, “I just feel like you’re always talking down on yourself when you’ve literally accomplished so much.”

I felt my face heat up. It was a compliment I wasn’t expecting, and I wasn’t used to getting complimented, so I wasn’t sure how to react, especially with how defensive and sure of himself he was, “not that much, really.”

“Oh my god,” He suddenly stood up and extended his hand to me, “come with me right now.” I hesitantly grabbed it and he led me upstairs. He could be unpredictable a lot of the time too, but not in the same way that Frank was. Miles’ unpredictability usually had good intentions and he was just trying to be spontaneous most of the time, so I didn’t really mind it.

“Nooo you promised no distractions-” I said dragging my feet up the steps behind him.

“Oh come on we’ve been looking at weird ass organisms for two hours straight, I promise this is worth it.”

We arrived in his bedroom and he began opening the window, “What are you doing?”

“I wanna show you something-” to my unexpected surprise, he climbed out of his window and onto the roof that stretched a few feet out. By this time it had gotten dark outside, so he almost disappeared completely when he stepped out onto the balcony.

“MILES WHAT THE HELL-” I yelled from his room, “You’re gonna fucking fall-”

“The roof is flat right here!” He knelt down to look at me through the window, “C’mon, I’ll help you, I’m not gonna let you fall and die I promise.”

I wasn’t afraid of heights or anything like that, but the idea of being on a second-story roof when I couldn’t see shit didn’t exactly thrill me. Still, Miles had a way of convincing me to do things outside my comfort zone. I don’t know why. His confidence in himself just rubbed off on me that way. He was never afraid to just trust his gut and do things simply because he wanted to, whereas I overthink every single thing.

I grabbed his hands and he helped me onto the roof. He laughed at me making scared noises and we carefully sat down and looked out into the neighborhood in front of us.

The houses and apartments were close together with cars parked on the street, making it look more like a crowded suburb than the area where me and Frank lived. The air had gotten cooler and was now perfect sweatshirt weather. The trees stood still and silent, but every light in every home and building illuminated to create an image of a beautiful cityscape.

“Wow…”

“Not a bad view, is it? I like to come out here and draw, or just get some air when I’m stressed or upset.” He leaned back on his hands, “I can just look out at the streets and watch the cars go by, listen to music, and sometimes spy on my neighbors,” he laughed looking over at me.

I smiled, looking out into the streets, “Man...I wish I had a place like this to go to.” It was almost like the neighborhood had collectively gone to bed right at this time. There wasn’t a single noise except for a few cars and crickets in the distance. “Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so trapped in my head all the time.”

Miles pointed to a building a few miles away, “you see that?”

I squinted through the darkness and recognized the tall brick building, “...campus?”

“Yup,” he leaned to look at me, “YOU got yourself into the art program, Gerard. Nobody else. You and your sheer amount of talent,” he poked at me, making the corners of my mouth tug into a shy smile, “AND not to mention your determination,” he sighed and shook his head, “Gee, you told me a little bit about the kind of house you grew up in, and I seriously do not fucking know how you made it out of there,” This shower of praise was making butterflies grow in my stomach as I looked at him and he was already looking at me, “You got yourself out of that situation, and became an amazing fucking artist in one of the states best art programs. YOU did that.” 

I swallowed hard because I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes. I guess I had always been so wrapped up in looking forward and not stopping that I never really made time to look back at what I had already done. And up to this point, nobody had really noticed, not even me.

“THAT’S what I mean when I say give yourself some credit,” Miles looked at me with nothing but sincerity in his face and I couldn’t do anything but pull him into a hug.

“Thank you, Miles. That really means a lot to me coming from you.” I muffled into his sweatshirt. 

He held me for a little longer than I had expected, but I didn’t mind. After this week, I needed a hug like this, “I’m sorry I’ve just felt like such shit lately-”

He pulled away and looked at me, “do you wanna talk about it?”

My mind raced and so did my heart. I figured it was time to finally open up to him. It’d be nice to finally talk to someone about everything that’s happened, instead of just letting these thoughts eat at my brain night after night. And I guess, even if Miles didn’t like Frank, I bet he would understand if I just opened up and was honest finally.

So that’s what I did. For the next 20 minutes, I had pretty much done all of the talking. I completely and utterly gushed about Frank and all the things he did and the way he was making me feel so confused and it felt so nice to get it off of my chest finally and to have someone just listen.

Besides the occasional question though, Miles stayed quiet. His body language and facial expressions were stiff and unreadable, but he listened to every word.

I was afraid I was making him uncomfortable by talking about it because he wasn’t looking at me anymore, but he assured me it was fine and that he wanted me to continue.

“And now that’s why I’m terrified. Because he has not texted me or called me. He said he had to go take care of something first which is super vague and I'm worried-”

“Gee-” He softly interrupted me.

I paused, “...What?”

“I have something to tell you that you’re not gonna like.” His eyes finally locked on mine and the look on his face made my heart drop into my stomach as every horrible scenario of what he was going to say came into my head.

“What?” I said concerned. He didn’t respond or look at me and just tucked his tongue against his cheek, “Miles what?”

“You know how, um, how my friend Alex is a bartender at the Loop Lounge?”

“Yeah?”

He still wasn’t looking at me but continued to talk in a serious and hushed tone, “Well he said this guy showed up at the lounge with a girl, and they were making out next to the bar, and he said another guy approached them and they started talking about drugs, and they were arguing. He doesn’t know if he was doing them or selling them or what but-”

“Okay wait, I-” I held up my hands in utter disbelief, “how does he know, or how do you know it was Frank?”

“Frank has a scorpion tattoo on his neck right?” He said a-matter-of-factly, “because that’s what Alex said he had.”

I felt myself become instantly sick as I tried to process exactly what Miles was saying.

Miles had no reason to lie, and that sounds exactly like something Frank would do.

He just falls back into his old ways and puts me on the fucking back burner of his mind. Because that’s where he wanted to keep me. Like an ‘Emergency Loneliness Use Only’. Frank didn’t care about how I felt. He never did. He only cared about his booze, his drugs, and his fucking girlfriend.

I was always just his convenience. His second choice.

“I have to go, Miles, I’m sorry-” and with that, I stood up on the roof, now completely unafraid that I might fall. 

At this point, I would have loved to. I would have loved to just jump right off that roof at that moment and break every bone in my body. At least then my nausea and my anxiety and my urge to burst into tears would all be justified. Broken bones would give me a good excuse to feel this kind of pain.

A broken heart by someone you thought cared about you just feels like a sorry excuse.

Miles tried to catch up to me and asked me to stay but I was already in my car and out of his driveway within seconds. 

The traffic lights on the way home speaking in morse code were the only things keeping me company as I sat in silence with my tormented thoughts.

How sad, I thought as I let tears roll freely down my face.

I didn’t know what was more tragic, me searching for a feeling inside Frank, or the fact that that feeling was never even there inside him. I was just a wandering ghost in his soul, searching and grasping onto anything that felt real. And he enjoyed me being there. Watching me fool and stumble over him, when he knew all along it meant nothing to him. 

I knew what I felt for Frank wasn’t just a surface level attraction. 

This type of hurt deserved a name that only four letters could give it. And when using it to describe how I felt about Frank, it was like giving a name to my own self-destruction.

Before this, Frank and I’s friendship was beautiful.

It was vulnerable, and pure, and private. 

The moments we had together, when it was just the two of us, they felt so special and intimate, like no one else would ever understand us like we understood each other. 

And the worst part was that all of those precious moments became irrelevant. Because the way we felt about each other had jeopardized all of that. 

And what was left to show for it?

A stomach ache.

As I pulled into the driveway of the apartment, I saw a dark figure sitting on the front porch steps in ripped jeans and a hoodie. 

He looked up, the dim yellow hue of my headlights illuminated his face.

It was definitely him.

I stared back at him, but this time there were no butterflies.

Just a fucking stomach ache.


	10. I'll Let You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank goes to settle something with Lucas, but it doesn't end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient y'all! Sorry its more original character stuff, but we'll be seein Gerard again in the next chapter, I just wanted to let you guys know what happened to Frank from his side. 
> 
> Enjoy and let me know what you think! c: x

\-----------Frank's POV from the end of Chapter 7: Trouble Is------------------

The unbearable pounding in my head was what finally woke me up. It felt like someone was smacking my head with a hammer, not to mention my mouth felt like a fucking desert. My body ached and felt so immensely dehydrated that I struggled to reach for the bottle of water on my nightstand. 

God I felt so sick, and my stomach twisted in knots as the events of the night before started flooding back to me. 

The drinking. The drugs. The overdose. Gerard and I-

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck what had I done.

I remembered it all. Like a tidal wave every event came back to me in a suffocating surge of guilt. I remembered what I said, and what I did. And there was definitely no turning back from it this time.

I cried like a fucking baby and then MADE OUT WITH HIM.

"Ohhh godddd-," I groaned, turning over and hiding my stupid face in my pillow.

I was ashamed and it made me nauseous to think about how carelessly I acted, but there was a sickening part of me that felt like something like this needed to happen in order for me to stop doing what I was doing, because I don’t know if I would be capable of stopping this on my own.

I knew I couldn’t just keep ignoring it. I wanted to though. Boy did I just want to just shove all those fucking feelings so far down and hide them forever so that they’d never see the light of day. That way, Gerard and I would just be friends again, and things would go back to normal. But I screwed myself big time. I let all those feelings boil to the surface until I couldn't control it anymore. 

I was angry because at the end of the day, I didn’t deserve Gerard at all, not as a friend or anything more. He had so many goals and aspirations and talents and he had so much going for him, meanwhile, I was just pieces of broken glass that he was naively trying to pick up and put back together but it was only cutting him up and making things worse.

I am not the person Gerard is supposed to be with. Gerard deserves someone driven and passionate and attractive. He deserves someone who is sure of their feelings, someone who’s not an alcoholic. 

Someone he doesn’t have to worry about 24/7.

I was so scared to lose him and yet I kept sabotaging my relationship with him. Everything inside of me was plagued with flaws and haunted by thoughts that I wasn’t good enough for him and that I never would be.

And yet he still held me, even as I sobbed into his chest like a drunk slobbery mess. He was right there, just like he always was, to save me from myself once again.

I could see how badly I was messing everything up. I could SEE the way I was hurting him, but I couldn’t admit anything to him. Because I knew once I said everything I was feeling out loud it would all become real. All the worries and all the insecurities and all the vulnerability that I so desperately just wanted to push away would be laid out in front of him and I would have no other option than to admit that I knew I wasn’t good enough for him. 

I had given up that opportunity though. There was no more avoiding this after the damage I had caused. Regardless of what happens when I see his face again, I knew this would be better than to keep hurting him over and over again.

I grabbed my phone to check the time when I saw a text from Lucas pop up:

[We need to talk. Get over here ASAP]

I wasn’t one to often be intimidated by someone like Lucas, but the seriousness of the text definitely made me nervous.

Was this about the other night? I didn’t remember the details of what I did after I nearly drank myself to death and overdosed, but I can imagine I probably said something really stupid and he wanted an explanation or some shit.

I sat up, my head still swirling, and found the strength to get up and walk out into the hallway.

Gerard’s bedroom door was shut and there was no light emitting from under the door, so I assumed he was still asleep.

I tossed around ideas in my head of what I should do.

I wanted to talk to Gerard. There was absolutely no way I was getting around that, but I guarantee this thing with Lucas was going to be me going to his house, apologizing or explaining something stupid that I said or did, and I’d probably be back before Gerard even woke up. 

[On my way]

I also decided to text Gerard, just in case:

[Had to go take care of something. I’ll be home later, I still want to talk, I promise.]

\-----------------------------------------------

“Frankenstein! He’s alive!” Lucas swung his arm around my shoulder and a waft of B.O hit me in the face, “we thought you might be dead after last night-”

“Yeah and I still might die if you don’t get your nasty pits out of my face-” I said shoving him away from me. I didn't necessarily expect him to be excited to see me, but I definitely wasn't excited to see him, especially after last night. 

Isaac was on the couch drinking a beer with Nicole, and when she saw me, she immediately jumped up and ran into me.

“Frankie!!!” She yelled, tackling me in a hug and almost knocking me over, "I'm so glad you're okay!"

It immediately felt wrong, even just hugging her felt so much more wrong now. Like a cold stranger touching me and making me feel uneasy. I lightly and awkwardly removed her from me, “yeah I’m fine I guess, considering.”

“We fucked up last night Frank,” Lucas admitted in a vaguely sincere tone, “We shouldn’t have let you go off the bar like that. I mean the way you ended up was really scary-”

Something felt off about the way everyone was acting. Isaac and Nicole stared at me, waiting for my response, while Lucas offered me a distressed look.

I shrugged, “I mean, it’s whatever, I’m fine now so-”

“Luke just means, well,” Nicole piped up across the room, “we’re sorry for letting that happen. We know we fuck around a lot but we just wanna make sure you’re good.” She stood there uncomfortably, glancing at Lucas then back at me.

I furrowed my eyebrows, shifting my focus to Lucas, who was now looking down at the ground. I could tell he was nervous and was definitely avoiding telling me something.

“Alright you guys are acting fucking weird. Why am I here? For real,” I was not convinced that this meeting was just about apologizing to me.

The air in the room became thick with tension as I could easily tell there was something secret between these three that I did not know about.

Lucas shot Isaac a sarcastic look, “Alright I guess I’m the fuckin’ one who has to tell him,” he rolled his eyes, “Isaac is a dumbass that’s why-”

“Hey it wasn’t just me motherfucker-” Isaac blurted out, stepping towards Lucas but Nicole stuck her arm out to stop him.

“The blow we had last night, from that girl,” Lucas sighed and continued in frustration, “apparently it’s from the same guy Isaac and I have been running deals with and he wants his money now-”

“Wait hold on,” I tried to wrap my brain around what he was saying, “you guys have been just running a tab with this fucking guy?” All three of them were silent, “and you haven’t been paying him?!”

Lucas raised his voice, “We were gonna pay him once Isaac got his bonus from his construction job but the motherfucker got his ass fired-”

“Oh yeah? You were supposed to pay half of that jackass,” Isaac stepped toward Lucas, spitting venom in his face, “what happened to that 50k you said you inherited from your dead dad a few months ago huh? He never even put you on his fucking Will did he-”

“STOP-” I quickly yelled and stepped in between the two of them. It wouldn’t have been the first time I’ve had to do that, I often felt like the mediator of the group. I lowered my voice, “Exactly how much do you owe this guy?”

The room fell silent for a moment. Lucas stuck his tongue against his cheek, “Ten grand.”

“TEN GRAND?!” I knew it was going to be a lot of money. I knew they had the same dealer for a long time, but fuck, I did not think it would be that much, “Jesus christ guys are you serious?-”

Lucas cut me off, “I know it sounds bad dude but that’s why we wanted to talk to you because we knew you had savings because you talked about it when you first started classes and-”

“THAT’S MY SCHOLARSHIP LUCAS,” I was full-on yelling at Lucas at this point. There was no filter. My face became hot and I couldn't believe what I was hearing, “that’s the money that the University gave me so that I could PAY MY RENT! That’s the money they gave me because my parents couldn’t fucking afford for me to keep living at home!”

How fucking dare they. That money was specifically on my University account and was the only way I was able to go to school and fucking eat. Fuck them for even thinking I would give any of that to them.

“Alright man, I know you’re upset because of last night-”

“Last night?!” They all stared at me with blank expressions, but I only offered a shocked laugh, “This has nothing to do with last night! This has to do with you wanting to steal my money to pay off your own fucking drug problems-”

“This was you too Frankie,” Lucas loudly cautioned, “you took the line last night-”

“So now I owe your guy ten grand?!” I stepped toward Lucas. I was not a confrontational person, but I felt my blood begin to boil with every excuse they came up with, “Last night was the second time I’ve ever even done cocaine at all and you both offered it to me-”

Isaac stepped past Nicole towards me, “Frank chill out alright-”

“No fuck you guys! I’m done with this shit, I want out. I’m done drinking with you guys and I’m done with this kind of lifestyle alright. I want more than this. There’s more to life than just partying and getting high,” I could tell by their faces they weren’t taking me seriously, but if anything, this just made me realize how much I didn’t need them.

These guys were my only friends besides Gerard, but they were the only people taking advantage of me and fueling these toxic habits that I kept falling back into over and over again, and I was sick of it. 

I turned on my heels ready to walk out the door. If this is seriously what they called me over here for, they can go to hell. I wanted to get back home and see Gerard. I cared about that way more than I cared about them.

“Frank! Wait!” Lucas rushed to the door and stood blocking my way, “I have an idea. Just stay here and let me go talk to the guy, alright? If it works we won’t need any money-” 

“Oh yeah, try and negotiate with a drug dealer,” the sarcasm in my voice made Lucas huff at me.

“Nicole-” Lucas went over to tell Nicole something that I couldn’t hear, then turned back to look at me, “stay here, alright? Me and Isaac will be back in a minute-”

“Guys come on!-” I shouted after them but they were already out the door.

I didn’t understand why I had to sit here and wait for them to come back with a plan that 1) I had nothing to do with and 2) I knew was never going to work anyway, but part of me was too afraid of what would happen if I just left without knowing what they were doing. 

I figured the sooner I could get this over with, the sooner I could get home to Gerard. This was probably a good opportunity to end things with Nicole officially. 

There was no way I could ever touch Nicole, or anyone again after experiencing Gerard the way I did last night.

The way that laying with him was so warm and I fit so perfectly into him like a puzzle piece. The way he looked at me like there was nothing in this world he would rather be looking at. The way he kissed me like my mouth was air and he was drowning and the way he kept desperately grabbing onto me, his body begging me never to leave-

God, I was so stupid. Gerard wanted me, and I wanted him, so badly. Last night proved that. No one had ever looked at me, touched me, or kissed me the way he did. Ever. All this time I could think about every reason I wasn't good enough for him and yet as soon as he looked at me he made me feel like I was the only fucking thing in this world that he wanted.

I was so dumb to think that anyone could ever compare to that. I was addicted to Gerard like a drug, but not like any drug I'd ever tried. Every time something would happen between us, he had a way of making me wanting more. One touch was never enough. I would try to stop myself, try to get sober from him, but all it would take is one look, one kiss from him, and like an addict I was completely hooked again.

Nicole and I were sitting on the couch in the living room when she offered me a drink.

“Do you want a beer?”

“After last night, I don’t know if I’ll ever drink beer again,” I tried to keep my tone normal around her, but there was an element of awkwardness underneath, “just give me a soda,” My body still felt like a mess, even over 12 hours later, but the thought of Gerard and what I was going to say to him later was what kept me distracted from the pain. 

Nicole returned with a Dr. Pepper and I took a sip but grimaced from the taste, “Echh, why does this taste weird?”

“Just been sitting in the fridge forever,” She sat right next to me on the couch, so close I could smell her perfume. Her blonde hair splayed over her shoulders and she tucked a loose piece behind her ear, “I’m sorry about last night Frankie,” she traced her finger on my shoulder, making me shudder at the sudden contact.

All of her advances that used to feel inviting now just made me extremely uncomfortable, “It’s cool,” I shifted slightly away from her, suddenly feeling extremely dizzy and my body melted into the couch, “don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think we should hook up anymore,” I glanced over at her but my vision was like I was looking into a fishbowl.

She furrowed her eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

My head began swirling, “I just think, I don’t know, I need to change how I, fuck-” I stood up, trying to steady myself but I seriously felt like I was going to pass out. I felt like I just drank 12 shots of tequila and they were all hitting me at once. What the fuck was going on? “Jesus christ, what the hell Nicole, what’s in this?” I gestured to the Dr. Pepper that she gave me, realizing I drank most of the can. 

“Just sit down-,” She grabbed my shoulders and placed me next to her.

Despite my body’s uncontrollable urge to relax, my heart was racing as to what the fuck was going on. My breathing became erratic and the panic began to settle in, “I need to get home, I don’t wanna be here, I-” the urgency in my voice was undetectable as I slumped further into the couch, suddenly realizing what was going on. I tried to stand back up, tried to move at all, but it was no use. 

Nicole rubbed my shoulder and said something to me but I wasn’t even coherent enough to make out what she was saying.

Whatever she put in the drink finally did its job and I passed out right there, and all I could think about was how fucking stupid and naive I was to trust them. I should have just walked out the door when I had the chance.

The last thing I remembered was that I probably wasn’t going to be able to see Gerard tonight.


	11. Remedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank realizes he was drugged and his friends set him up. He faces an internal crisis on his way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woweee I'm so inconsistent  
> I won't post a chapter for like 6 days and then I post 2 within 3 days lmao (whoopsie sry, my work finally opened back up so things have been crazy)
> 
> I also wanna say that I never thought I would finish this but every time you guys comment I get so motivated and excited to continue so thank uuuu (it'll be about 4 or 5-ish more chapters. we're nearing the end event)
> 
> Last of the Frank POV! Hope you enjoy! c: x
> 
> P.S TRIGGER WARNING: There is a small part of sexual assault in this. It's not graphic but I went ahead and put the trigger warning in there for anyone who was sensitive to that <3

\-------------------Frank POV continued from the previous chapter---------------------

The rest of the events of the night were almost a complete blur to me. I remembered snapshots of things.

There was a moment where I was in a car, looking out at the night sky and the stoplights floating by through the windows.

There was a moment I saw a hazy Nicole in the driver's seat.

There was a moment I felt her under my arm and walking me somewhere. I could tell I was outside because I suddenly felt chilly.

I felt like I was almost in a dream. It suddenly became warm again and I heard loud music and smelt alcohol. Nicole pushed me up against a wall and as soon as I felt the hard sticky wood I recognized where I was. 

I was at the Loop Lounge.

\---------------------Sexual Assault Trigger Warning---------------------------

I was only half-conscious, but I tried to reach for my phone, trying to call Gerard. It felt like my brain wouldn't send signals to my body to do the things I needed so even if it felt like I was moving I wasn't exactly sure if I was. I suddenly felt Nicole’s hands grip my arms and pin me against the wall with her body.

Nicole was small, but I was so weak I could barely stand, so any amount of weight she put on me just rendered my attempts at freeing myself useless.

All of a sudden I felt her mouth moving up and down on my neck, kissing me, whispering something that I couldn’t quite make out. 

It felt like sensory overload as I felt her biting at my skin with the loud and obnoxious music in the background.

The panic finally set in. I didn't know what she was going to do. I tried to say something to get her off of me but my tongue felt like it had gotten twisted and locked up in my mouth, and for many moments it felt like if I stopped concentrating on breathing that I would stop breathing altogether and pass out. 

Still holding me up against the wall, she began kissing me on the lips and the only thing I had the strength to do was squirm uncomfortably underneath her, waiting for it to be over. It was getting increasingly hard to breathe with her obstructing the only airway my drugged up brain knew how to use.

I felt like I was going to vomit, pass out, and die all at once. My body felt paralyzed and all I wanted to do was scream and run away but I couldn’t. 

\----------------------End of Trigger Warning-------------------------

Finally she released her grip on me and my body slid to the floor.

I hit my head against the wall and my vision was swirling and I felt like I was looking into a kaleidoscope, but I could still see an outline of what looked to be Lucas holding Nicole’s arm, yelling something at her that I couldn’t hear.

“Stop being…... you were only…… drug...” Was the only thing I could make sense of. The rest of his voice got lost in the music and noise that warped its way into my eardrum in a collective mess.

The next moment I remember was being picked up by my jacket by a man I did not know. His face grimacing in front of me as he held onto my shirt, I could smell cigarettes and liquor. I heard Lucas beside me, again, saying something I could barely understand.

“Charley...here’s..... has the money,” Lucas’s distorted voice yelled over the music, “Go….Frankie, give him the money.”

Charley had a face tattoo and an eyebrow piercing. He was tan and he held me inches away from his face as he was almost picking me up off my feet.

I was so confused as to what was going on, but I needed to get the fuck out of this situation somehow. These guys drugged me and brought me here to confront their dealer about money that they did not have.

It was the first time I realized the kinds of danger I was getting myself into. Drinking and being in the partying scene is all fun and games until someone owes somebody money apparently.

Even though my muscles felt like jello, I mustered up all the strength I had to form one coherent sentence, “I don’t have the money.”

It must have come out correctly because Charley did not like what I had to say and immediately reeled his fist back. 

I don’t remember what happened after that, but I can safely assume that it hurt, because the next thing I knew I was waking up outside on a metal bench with a violent throbbing in my jaw.

I rolled up to sit on the cold metal as I held my face and winced in pain.

I looked around at the streets to see if I could recognize where I was. 

I tried not to panic, as this had not been the first time I’d ever woken up after a night of drinking in a place that wasn’t familiar. I had gotten shitfaced and woken up in someone’s yard or in a field more than once.

But I wasn’t drunk this time. 

I was drugged, set up, and assaulted.

I was more furious than panicked.

Thank god it was daylight though. How I survived the night without getting mugged or murdered was beyond me.

As I looked around the neighborhood I recognized the surrounding houses and knew where I was, but it was a ways away from the apartment.

I checked my phone and saw I had a few missed calls and a text from Gerard. 

Fuck.

He was probably so mad at me, or worried sick, or both.

I wanted to call but my phone was on one percent so I managed to send one text before it died:

[I’ll explain later]

I could only hope to god that he would hear me out when I explained everything to him.

As I picked myself up off the bench and walked down the sidewalk, I tried to recollect as many things as possible.

Lucas told Nicole to drug me, then they took me to the Lounge, almost completely unconscious, where Nicole sexually assaulted me, then Lucas introduced me to his drug dealer as the guy who was going to give him ten grand, then he punched me in the face.

Yeah, why wouldn’t Gerard believe me?

Fuck I was so stupid. 

I had done a lot of dumb things in my life. I’ve run over mailboxes with my car, I’ve forgotten my moms birthday, I’ve even gotten suspended for getting into fights in high school, but this sure as hell takes the cake for dumbass things I’ve done.

I just now realized, the shitty friend group I had, the friends-with-benefits relationship I had with Nicole, and the drugs and the alcohol, they were all just fucking coping mechanisms.

Ever since the day I met Gerard, he was quite literally the best part of my life.

He could make me laugh so hard at something so dumb at 4am on a school night just to cheer me up. He was the last person I wanted to talk to before I went to sleep and the first person I wanted to see the next day. 

Living in that hellhole that my parents like to call home, I felt so hopeless. Every day was a struggle just to get out of bed, it was like my whole world was black and white. 

And Gerard came right along and he colored it all again. Being around him was like looking at a purple, orange, and pink sunset. So rare and beautiful and you feel lucky to even be in its presence.

But when we got to college, I saw Gerard slowly growing apart from me. I saw him start to see something in someone else, someone more deserving of him than a shitbag like me. 

And now I can honestly say that nothing hurts more than watching the only person you care about begin to care less about you.

I dragged my feet along the sidewalk and my eyes began welling up.

I couldn’t have told him how I felt back then. It was too late for that, so I panicked and became friends with people like Lucas and Isaac and fuck I got totally wrapped up in this world that I didn’t even want to be a part of just because I couldn’t fucking deal with the fact that the one person I wanted didn’t want me.

Then he came downstairs that one night while I was crying. Just like he did in high school, he held me and told me everything was going to be okay, that I was his favorite person. And for a moment, it felt like we were kids again, innocently giving each other affection and reassurance and it was back to the way things were, the way I so desperately wanted them to be.

And then I kissed him.

And I kept kissing him, and holding him, and touching him, and I couldn’t fucking stop.

My heart had been so cold for so long that with every touch and every kiss he engulfed me in his warmth and I became addicted. He melted and inflamed even the darkest parts of me in a way that could only be recognized as a merciless passion that we had kept hidden for so many fucking years. 

And every second was beautiful, and it felt so natural, and so right to do it.

And when it ended, and when it was gone, it felt like a hole had grown inside of me, a hole that was shaped like him. And I tried to fill it with booze or drugs or girls and nothing fit. Nothing would ever fit because it wasn’t him.

I could only fill it with thoughts of the way his nose lifts up when he smiles, or his tiny teeth that I loved so much, or the way he smelled like coffee and peaches, or how he'd always offer to make me food whenever he made himself some, or his bedhead when he'd come downstairs in the morning, or his sarcastic remarks or that green plaid shirt that he's had since he was 16-

But all of that meant absolutely nothing if I didn't have him in my life. 

I finally made it to the apartment. By this time, the sun had begun setting, and I made my way to the front door, which was locked. 

I realized I had left my keys in my car, which was at Lucas’s house, and I looked around and didn’t see Gerard’s vehicle anywhere.

I sighed and took a seat on the porch, resting my arms on my knees with my head on my wrists.

I was so fucking tired. 

My body had been through so much within the past 48 hours that I was surprised I was even able to stand. It didn’t amount to the pain I had felt emotionally though. For leaving Gerard, for getting myself into that situation, for not caring about myself enough to see how it was affecting him. 

I was tired of avoiding, tired of coping. 

I wanted to tell him everything I was feeling. Every single ugly feeling.

I just wanted him back, in whatever way he would let me. 

Headlights of a familiar car beamed in my direction and I felt my heart start pounding. 

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew from the moment I first met Gerard that this would never be easy.

And that’s okay, because I never wanted easy.

I just wanted him.


	12. Severed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard finally confronts Frank about everything, and this time he's not holding back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOOOOO IM BACK AT IT.
> 
> Hi. yes i know I've been gone. Had to deal with a lot of mental illness issues but 2021 is a new year so why don't we finish this story god dammit (because I still really want to write the ending, and I'm finally getting back into writing again)
> 
> Thank you to those of you who have read this and kept up with it so far. You're what makes me want to keep writing <3 Hope you enjoy x

\----------------------------Gerard POV from the current point----------------------------

I pulled the keys out of the ignition and laid my head on the steering wheel. 

I felt angry, confused, but mostly defeated. My jaw clenched as I tried to prepare what I was about to say to him, but I couldn’t prepare for something like this. Whatever I said had to come straight from my beaten and tired heart. 

I opened the car door to face him and he stood up, only the moonlight illuminating the both of us.

He looked like hell. Dark circles framed his under eyes and his hair looked matted and greasy at the same time. Tears had already begun welling up in his eyes.

Had I seen him like this a week ago, I probably would’ve felt different. I probably would’ve embraced him with open arms and a promise to make everything okay again, just like I always do. But while I was keeping promises, he just kept breaking them. Over and over again.

“Gerard I-,” his voice cracked as he started towards me.

“No,” I stiffened, “this time, you’re going to let me talk.”

“Please, Gerard I promise I’m not-”

“NO,” my voice was loud and angry, and it must have scared him because flinched as his face contorted into a sob. 

I could feel tears stinging at my eyes already just at the sight of him, and how I had never felt so much anger towards him in my life. He looked so helpless, but I couldn’t let that cloud my judgment. I couldn’t let him keep doing this to me. 

“The promises are done, Frank,” I didn’t bother holding back my tears anymore, he deserved to see how hurt I was, “I am so sick, of hoping, and wishing… and wanting, and-, and trusting you. Here I was, worrying about whether or not you were okay, and wanting to finally talk to you about everything, and I hear you’re at the fucking Loop Lounge? With your fucking friends getting coked off your ass?”

He looked like had just come back from a bender. My thoughts raced as I looked coldly into his eyes. My stomach pulled itself into my throat and it felt like I was going to throw up. A cool breeze whipped between us as the silence grew, but I knew I wasn’t going to get through to him unless I was unapologetically honest.

“Frank you kissed me,” it was the first time either of us acknowledged it out loud, but it felt good to finally say it, “more than once, you kissed me, and-, and it might have been just a kiss to you, but to me, it wasn’t.”

His eyes started to well up, “It wasn’t-”

“Stop!” I yelled again. His guilty face was only making me angrier, “Frank, I’m fucking done, alright? I’m done with you playing these mind games with me, I’m done with you doing whatever the fuck you want at the expense of my feelings,” I could feel a sob start to creep out into my voice so I inhaled and inched closer to him as I steadied my voice, “for most of my life, and our friendship, I’ve put your feelings before mine, and that was my choice, and I hate myself for it, because lately, it seems like the only thing you want is a ‘someone sometimes’...Whatever that is, I can’t be that. Not anymore.”

He stared down at the ground, biting his lip as I watched tears stream down his face.

“Until you can look me in the eyes and tell me how you really feel...I’m done man,” I walked past him to unlock the front door.

“Please Gerard, please don’t shut me out-” his voice pained as he turned to face me.

“Give me one single reason why I shouldn’t,” I kept my hand on the cold doorknob as my eyes locked onto his and he began shaking but I couldn’t tell if it was because he was crying or because it was cold.

He would never say it out loud. Even if he did feel exactly how I felt when we were together, he could never admit it. That was his fatal flaw. His hamartia. He was comfortable being this turbulent and emotional hurricane and didn’t mind me being caught in the wake of the storm. 

He continued to stare blankly at me as if he too knew he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Maybe he was ashamed or he was just a coward. Regardless, my patience ran out, and he had missed his chance, “That’s what I thought.”

I stepped into the apartment and shut the door behind me, leaving a shell of someone I once knew on the porch.

I dragged my feet up the stairs and to my room. I kicked off my shoes and as soon as my face hit the pillow I fell apart. I desperately gripped the blanket as I let the heartbreak and hurt that was trapped inside me finally escape my lungs and chest. No amount of words or crying could let him know how hurt I was. He would never know what he'd done.

I cried at the idea of never knowing what we could have been. We had been friends for so long and have known every inch of each other and yet we had unlocked this beautiful world of complete vulnerability and wild passion where only the two of us would get to experience it together. And just like a wildfire, it engulfed both of us, burning every bit of love left in our relationship until there was nothing left but anger and heartbreak.

But most of all, I cried at the idea of knowing what we had been, and knowing in my heart that we would never be the same again.


	13. The Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard expresses inner turmoil with his feelings towards Frank, but an unexpected surprise from Miles makes him rethink things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD YOU GUYS
> 
> I had absolutely no idea so many of you missed my uploads. I literally almost cried reading the comments. I was not expecting people to be this excited that I was picking this back up but I'm so happy I am. Thank you to everyone for commenting and welcoming me back I feel so fucking loved UGH
> 
> Anyway, I'm dropping my Tumblr: gloomanddoomed, and my discord: radsademolad, here just in case you guys have any requests or recommendations for story ideas because I've lacked creativity lately beyond this fic and once this is done I'm not sure what I'll write so I just wanted to drop that here so you guys could follow me if you want!!
> 
> OKAY HERES SOME SAD SHIT BEFORE SHIT HITS THE FAN AGAIN ENJOY <3

\-----------------------Continuing Gerard’s POV--------------------------

I don’t know how, but I managed to fall asleep that night, despite being plagued with nothing but feelings of hurt and heartache. It may have helped that I just sobbed until I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I managed to wake up just in time for my Biology exam. One of the two midterm exams I had that day. 

At this point, I would rather die than have to care about these stupid fucking exams.

It’s amazing how quickly I stopped caring just from the events of last night. One minute I was busting my ass on menial assignments so that I could get into grad school, and the next I was throwing two exam grades in the garbage.

When you lose someone you love so abruptly like that, everything else in your life feels like background noise, and like nothing really matters. Like you're floating apparition of your former self, going through the motions simply because you have to.

What was the point anyway? With everything else going on, I didn’t have nearly any time to study, so failing these exams was pretty much inevitable.

And for the first time in my life, I didn’t fucking care.

Frank wasn't home this morning. Not even the smell of coffee or his cologne lingered in the apartment, just his clothes he had left strewn about the living room from the days before. An old can of Pepsi left on the counter in the kitchen. Things I used to not give a second thought now displayed a haunting reminder of him everywhere I looked. 

I didn't know if he even came in the house last night or if he just left. And not caring about where he was or if he was okay was going to take some getting used to, considering that's all I've ever known how to do. I've never not cared about him. But I had to now. For my own sake, I had to move on one way or another.

I didn’t even brush my teeth that morning. I barely managed to put on a different pair of pants than the ones I slept in and dragged my ass to the Biology lab.

It's strange that no matter how much you want life to just stop, for one minute so you can catch your breath or grieve, life just keeps going on. 

Students in my lecture continued laughing and talking about their expected results on the exam, and the professor continued teaching.

Meanwhile, I was numb. I simply felt like a shadow, wishing to be unseen, unheard, and left alone. 

I walked to my next class for my exam in a dreamlike haze. I even forgot Miles was in the same class as me until he stopped me in the hallway after the test.

"Hey, Gee!" I felt his hand on my shoulder, immediately stopping me. His face turned from excitement to concern as soon as he saw my face and my disheveled appearance, "oh my god, Gerard, what the hell happened after you left last night?" 

What was I supposed to say? Everything I thought about me and Frank's relationship was a lie? And now the person I had spent most of my life with was somebody I didn't even recognize? 

I knew it wasn't right to be protecting Frank at this point, but I still didn't want Miles to rip Frank apart, and I knew he would if I told him what happened.

Why I was still defending Frank at this point I don't know. But honestly, what Frank and I were going through was personal, and I just wanted to let it go and forget about it.

"I just had a rough night. I didn't sleep very well."

"I know when you're lying," Miles lowered his voice and stepped closer, "did something happen with you and Frank?"

"No, I'm fine," I tried to feign a smile, knowing that that answer wasn’t going to be good enough for Miles, "whatever happened with me and Frank,” I shook my head, stopping myself from saying anything else, “it's over now, so…"

Miles's eyes widened, "oh...are you okay?"

The question itself was enough for me to have to hold back tears, “yeah no I’m good, just tired is all.”

He paused for a moment as he stuck his tongue to his cheek, “does that mean you won’t be coming to my place tomorrow night?”

Fuck. Miles’ party. It hadn’t even crossed my mind since he brought it up last week. 

“Ugh,” I rubbed a hand through my hair, “I don’t know man, I don’t know that I’m feeling up for it.” I was definitely not feeling up for it. I wouldn’t be feeling up for anything for a while, and god knows how long it would take me to go to a party. I was basically going to become a hostage in my own apartment to try and avoid my roommate for as long as possible.

He sighed and looked disappointed, “I understand. Well, if you change your mind let me know, I’ll miss you being there for sure,” his eyes bored into me as he gave me a sympathetic smile, “and if you need anything or if you need someone to talk to, just call me or come over, alright? You don’t even have to ask.”

I gave him a small smile, “Thanks Miles, I appreciate it. I’ll see you later.”

\-------------------------------------------

I hated leaving Miles in the dark like that, but I was hoping that I would be able to just get through this grieving period without having to tell every person I interacted with about Frank and I’s falling out.

When I got home, Frank’s car still wasn’t there, but he was. I knew that because when I walked into the living room of the apartment, it was immaculate.

The carpet had been swept, all of his clothes were gone off the furniture, trash was taken out and the dishes were gone out of the sink. There was even a faint smell of vanilla from a candle that had been lit. 

I would’ve been lying if I said I wasn’t impressed. He was clearly trying to get his shit together to prove something to me. 

As I walked up the stairs to my room, I heard his bedroom door open and he stood next to the door frame.

My heart pounded in my chest. Seeing his face again gave me butterflies and nausea all at the same time. He was fully dressed, well, fully dressed for Frank, jeans and a tee shirt, and his hair looked like he had showered not long before I arrived. Yet his eyes looked slightly red and tired.

“Hey,” he said in a soft voice.

“Hey,” my tone was slightly more monotonous than his.

He paused awkwardly, “uh...how were exams?”

My face remained stoic and I crossed my arms, trying not to give him any hint as to how I was feeling, “Fine.”

“Good… um,” He scratched his head nervously as if this was the first time he’s ever talked to me, “I, uh, I bought some Taco Bell, it’s downstairs, if you get hungry, or whatever-”

I would be lying if I said his charms weren’t working on me at all. I had never seen him so nervous or given something this much thought and effort. Still, I kept my face neutral as I nodded nonchalantly, “Thanks.”

He pursed his lips into a smile and nodded back as he averted his gaze and snuck back into his room and shut the door.

I heaved a heavy sigh. 

He knew I wasn’t ready to talk. He knew I was still very upset, but he wanted to try anyway. It was nice that he was trying, but a clean apartment and some Taco Bell wasn’t just going to fix everything. 

He and I needed patience, and trust, and mindfulness of my emotions to be able to get back to where we were before all this started.

I did eventually go down and get the Taco Bell he had bought. I knew he bought it for me and I wasn’t going to waste it. He made sure it was my favorite too. A crunch wrap supreme with no tomato and nachos and cheese. 

The anxiety I had caused me to not eat anything all day so by then I was ravenous. I managed to shove it all down my throat before I laid down and the heartache set in once again. I was once more greeted with the cold reality of my situation. I knew this was just going to take time, and that grieving our relationship was a part of the process, but it didn’t stop me from crying myself to sleep again that night.

\-------------------------------------------

The next day was Saturday, so I finally let myself sleep in and let my body wake itself up naturally, which was the best decision I’d ever made. After the past week, it felt like I had made myself sick with stress and anxiety, so I definitely needed it.

As soon as I woke up I smelled coffee from downstairs and checked the time on my phone:

12:03pm

I groaned, checking through my notifications when suddenly I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

“Yeah?” I said in a tired and groggy voice, not really wanting to face him this early in the day.

“There’s a package for you. I put it in front of your door,” his meek voice said from behind the door.

“Thanks.”

I didn’t order anything so I had no idea what the package was for, so when I eventually got out of my cocoon and opened the door I was curious. 

There sat a beige package, with scribbles on it, sitting next to a cup of steaming coffee on the floor.

I sighed. He was trying so hard. It was almost starting to make me feel guilty.

I knew I couldn’t let that feeling take over my mind though. He should be trying this hard to make up for what he’s done, and he should be trying even harder to work on himself and figure out what he wants, because if he didn’t respect himself, I knew he wouldn’t start respecting me. 

I picked up the coffee and package and recognized the name on the front: Miles Kennedy

I quickly put the coffee down and ripped open the package, which eventually revealed a painting I recognized immediately.

It had half of a head with flames coming out of the top, neutral colors in the background to make the fire stand out.

It was the painting he gave me that I forgot about.

I flipped it over to see something scribbled on the back: “Hope this helps. -Miles” 

I smiled as I traced my fingertips over the canvas as I did when I first saw it. It truly was an amazing painting. And Miles was an amazing friend and I was so lucky to have someone so talented in my life. 

Looking at the painting now I started to see it differently than I did when I first saw it. 

The cold blue color of the person's skin contrasted with the overwhelmingly warm streaks of red, orange and yellow protruding from the top of its head. Like a cold exterior is what hid this person's fire and passion in their mind; uncontrollable and beautiful. It was determined yet wild and free, so much to offer and unable to be squelched or ignored. 

For so much of my life I’ve had to water myself down to fit people’s expectations of me, to make other people feel comfortable. 

I was sick of having to be polite all the time. I was sick of being the one who was always respectful to everybody else when I never got the same thing in return. I was sick of caring and being behaved.

I decided I was going to Miles’ party tonight. After everything that's happened, I deserved to have a night of fun, and for once in my life, I was going to enjoy myself and not let anyone stop me.


	14. Not A Love Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank is doing everything he can to try and get Gerard back. When he gets an unexpected visit from Miles, he later realizes he has to act fast if he wants to stop him from doing something horrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Henlo
> 
> This one is a little uneventful but I felt like Frank deserved a chapter to get some things off his chest and I needed to set up things for the next chapter. 
> 
> I'm so glad you guys are still enjoying it I love reading the comments when I post these.
> 
> *********ALSO TRIGGER WARNING:**********  
> There is mention of a date rape drug in this chapter, just a mention though. I'll have more warnings in the next chapter when things actually go down but yeah I just wanted to put that here!! x

\----------------------------Frank POV from Severed------------------------------

“That’s what I thought.”

I felt my chest begin caving in as I watched him disappear into the apartment.

I fell apart right there on the sidewalk. My knees hitting the cold hard pavement as I covered my face with my hands, wishing this was all just a horrible nightmare that my brain concocted in the middle of the night.

But it was so real. I had really fucked everything up.

I wanted so desperately to explain what happened to Gerard. That I was drugged, that I wasn’t going to drink and party with Lucas and his friends anymore, and that I was ready to fix things, but as soon as I saw how upset he was and how hurt he was and knowing that I caused all of it, I just froze.

My heart wanted to just fix everything right then and there so I wouldn’t lose him and everything would be okay, and we could just go back to having movie nights and doing homework in the living room together and talking about when we were kids.

But I knew I couldn’t. I lost him. And it was my fault.

I stayed out on the porch for probably another hour or so before I eventually calmed down enough to sneak into the apartment and upstairs to my room, but I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t. Every time I closed my eyes my stomach would just come up into my throat as soon as I thought of him, and how he was just in the next room, but we’d never been further apart. 

Eventually, my body was so exhausted from crying that I just became numb and stopped and I was able to watch the sunrise through my window.

I could hear Gerard leave the apartment and my heart sank to my stomach again.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t go to class, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even cry anymore. I just laid there, staring at my wall, wondering if it was even worth it to get out of bed today.

I decided the only way I was going to get Gerard back was if I showed him that I genuinely cared and that I was ready to change.

I fervently cleaned the entire house, and before he came home I made sure to buy what he usually got from Taco Bell. I eventually motivated myself enough to shower too. I wanted to do anything and everything to let him know I wanted to get my life back together, and I wanted back into his, in whatever way he would let me.

It wasn't nearly enough. And I knew it wasn't going to fix everything. But I needed to do something, anything besides feeling sorry for myself in my room all day.

I could tell by the way he looked at me and how short he was with me that he just wasn't ready to talk when he came home, and that was okay. I was willing to wait for as long as he needed to be ready to talk.

But after seeing his face, and how colorless and pale he looked, I couldn’t help but sink to the floor in tears once again as soon as I shut the door. To see him so impassive and seemingly vacant from himself made my heart ache, because I knew it was all my fault, just like everything in my life was.

I knew he wasn't gone. He was right next door, trying to heal from everything that I’ve put him through. And yet he was so far away from my heart. It’s like I was dropped in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight, swimming eagerly forever in one direction, not knowing if I was getting closer or further from him.

But I had to keep trying. I couldn’t give up.

The next morning I got the idea to make an extra cup of coffee for him when I suddenly heard a knock at the door.

I didn’t know who I was expecting when I opened the door, but I definitely was not expecting Miles to be standing on the front porch holding a beige package in his hands.

He was surprised to see me there too, but his face quickly changed from shock to annoyance as he analyzed me, “Hi Frank.”

I felt my face begin to heat up, “What do you want?”

I could tell he didn’t like my tone from the way he looked down at me, “Is Gerard home?” He said, trying to peek past me to look inside the apartment.

I crossed my arms, leaning against the door frame, “yeah, he is,” there was no way in hell I was letting Miles step foot into the apartment let alone near Gerard.

I was expecting him to get angry back at me, but he instead smirked and handed me the package, “could you give this to him for me?”

His voice had fake politeness, and I didn’t break eye contact as I reluctantly received the package and folded my arms away again.

“Thanks,” he smiled and began walking away when he suddenly turned to me and paused, thinking, before saying, “oh, and tell Gee I hope I see him at the party tonight,” he winked, and continued walking back to his car.

I scoffed as I retreated into the apartment, my blood boiling. 

He knew exactly what he was doing by calling Gerard ‘Gee’. He knew that’s what I always called him and he knew it would piss me off, and boy did it fucking work.

I hated Miles so goddamn much. He was so manipulative and conceited and it pained me that Gerard didn’t see it. Gerard never saw the bad in people. Ever since we were kids he was always the one giving people the benefit of the doubt.

But I didn’t trust Miles. Not one fucking bit. He was constantly trying to meddle in Gerard and I’s business, but he had no motivation other than to get in Gerards pants. 

And as much as I wanted to throw his stupid fucking package into the garbage, if I was going to get Gerard back, I had to gain his trust again, and I knew throwing away a gift from his friend wasn’t going to do any good.

I left both the cup of coffee I made him and the package outside his door and went back to my room.

I was so fucking stupid. All of this was my fault. 

I remembered I had left my car at Lucas’s, the night I was drugged, so I decided to walk the half-hour walk to his house so I could get it back, hoping to not run into him in the process.

You’d think I would’ve had my fair share of walking around like a drifter around town, especially due to the incidents of two nights ago, but I didn’t mind the walk. It reminded me of the times me and Gee would walk home from school, listening to music and taking detours to go to the card store and the record shop.

I don’t think I understood my feelings for him back then. I was so young, and we cared about each other so much, and there was no worry about how we felt about each other. We were so intertwined in each others lives it didn’t even matter.

For the first time in my life, I had somebody show me what love was. 

Because that’s what this is isn’t it? That's what it's been this whole time. No matter how hard I tried to shove those feelings away and bury them, they would still be there. The butterflies I got when I saw him, the overwhelming happiness I felt being next to him and hearing him laugh, wanting to know every second of his day and every piece of his mind. Wanting to spend every minute I could with him, touching him, listening to him, kissing him.

Everything Gerard did for me was because he loved me. And I felt it too, I was just too stupid to admit it until now. And now I've ruined the only chance I had.

Fuck... I really have to fix this.

I arrived at the house to see my car still parked in the stone driveway. A short investigation inside the car revealed to me that the keys were in the house.

I sighed, defeated, knowing I had to go inside.

Just get in, grab the keys, and get the fuck out.

I knocked on the door, my heart beating faster than normal as I watched Nicole open the door in shock.

“Frank?”

“I need my car keys,” I pushed past her, barely making eye contact as I entered the house that smelled like cigarettes.

“Jesus christ, hi to you too.”

“Where the fuck are my keys?” I continued looking in the living room and searching the kitchen urgently.

“I don’t know, Lucas put them somewhere probably,” she said nonchalantly as she took a puff from her lit cigarette.

“Well, where is he?”

“He’s at a party doing a delivery I think,” she sat down on the couch next to where I was searching.

Figures, even after all the shit he’s done he would still try to score-

Wait.

I stopped dead in my tracks, realizing what she just said.

“Delivering to who…?”

She pondered staring at the ceiling, “I think his name was Miles. Lucas was going on about how this guy had a huge house and how loaded his parent's were-”

“Nicole,” I stepped towards her with such a serious tone that it scared me, “what was he delivering?”

She seemed intimidated by my question and was reluctant to answer.

“TELL ME WHAT HE WAS DELIVERING NOW-”

“UHHH, GHB, and roofies, and I think some Special K-”

My blood ran cold when I realized what this meant. 

I suddenly caught a glimpse of my keys on the tv stand and I quickly grabbed them and ran out of the apartment and into my car.

I peeled out of the driveway with stones flying as I raced home, my mind and body in a full-blown panic.

Miles had just bought three different date rape drugs from my fucking dealer and Gerard was going to his party to see him tonight. 

My heart was beating out of my chest as I sped home, hoping to god I wasn’t going to be too late.


	15. Stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard has a great time at Miles' party and is finally trying to forget about Frank, until Miles has other plans...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops.
> 
> I probably waited too long to post this chapter but I've been a little busy and trying to get ahead on the chapters to come so enjoy! Let me know what y'all think in the comments <3
> 
> *****TRIGGER WARNING******  
> The end of this chapter has an attempted sexual assault. It's not graphic or long but it is non-consensual sexual behavior against someone for a bit at the end. I did put a TW stamp at the end just in case anyone is sensitive to that.

\---------------------Gerard’s POV from The Fire-----------------------

Don’t ask me about the last time I’d ever been to a party, because besides birthdays, I had never even been to one.

Unlike Frank, I was not one to drink, and party, and hook up. Mostly because when I was younger I was overweight, and that immediately associated me with the “non-popular” kids, and I was never really into what they were into anyway. I didn’t listen to rap music or drink or smoke weed. I enjoyed being a loser, a homebody, and my creativity to draw and paint thrived most often when I was alone, so that’s where I was while the rest of my grade was at so-and-so’s house getting blackout drunk.

But tonight that was going to change.

For once in my fucking life I was going to go to a party at my friends' house, a party that I was invited to, welcomed at, and let go of my inhibitions and have a good time.

That didn’t make me less nervous about going though.

Any time I tried to talk myself out of it, I looked at myself getting dressed in the mirror and reminded myself that I deserved this. I deserve to look good and go out and hang out with friends without feeling guilty.

If Frank could do this whenever he wanted, and not have to worry about anybody else, then I could too.

After overthinking my clothes for 45 minutes I decided to wear black jeans, a white shirt with a dark green flannel and some converse.

I had planned on trying to sneak out of the apartment to avoid Frank asking where I was going and to avoid any awkwardness, but he ended up not being home, so I drove towards Miles’s house, not quite sure what to expect when I got there.

I was nervous but also excited. I was excited to only care about myself for just one night, and possibly meet some of Miles’s other art friends. I made acquaintances with people in several of my other classes, but nothing beyond a first name basis, so I was hoping to get introduced to some people who might be interested in the same things as me and Miles.

What I did not expect upon arriving was having to park a block away from Miles’s house because of all the cars parked along the street. 

I knew Miles was popular and invited some people, but I definitely didn’t expect this many.

I tried to not let that intimidate me as I approached the house.

I could hear loud pop music erupting from the inside, and some people were standing outside on the porch and around the house, red solo cups and bottles everywhere. Each of them seemingly too preoccupied with dancing with each other than to notice me.

I could feel my palms begin to sweat. I knew there was no point in knocking with how loud the music was, so I just opened the door to a dark orange and pink hue cast over the entire inside of the house.

There was a slight haze, and all I could see were bodies scattered all over the place.

It was exactly the kind of party I’d seen in movies. Flashing lights coming from some unknown location. Girls and guys who were seemingly strangers when the party started were now grinding against one another and making out on the staircase. Groups of people congregated in the living room to smoke weed or in the kitchen to take shots.

His place was almost unrecognizable. A place I once considered a second home base was now a dense jungle of horny college students.

I awkwardly squeezed past the sweaty bodies down the hall and into the living room, searching for the one person I knew.

I never knew just how out of my element I was before I was suddenly dropped into such unfamiliar territory. But that was almost the best part. I didn’t know anybody here, and they didn’t know me. New faces, new beginnings, new mistakes.

I looked around for a few minutes when I suddenly heard my name being shouted over the music from the couch across the room.

I looked over to see Miles' beaming face getting up from the couch in a floral button-down and dark blue jeans. He walked towards me with a bottle of beer in his hand. 

The excitement on his face and finally seeing someone I knew put my anxiety at ease.

He wrapped me up in a hug, his arms tightly squeezed around my torso as I wrapped mine around his neck. I inhaled a strong scent of musk cologne and alcohol as my chin rested on his shoulder.

“I’m so glad to see you!” He said slightly louder than he needed to next to my ear.

He pulled away, keeping his hand on my shoulder. His smile still stretched from ear to ear as he looked me over. His eyes widened, “I-,...wow, you look-”

“Better than I did yesterday?” I interrupted, feeling a wave of confidence rush over me as I watched his reaction.

“I was gonna say you look hot, but yeah, definitely,” He smiled as he analyzed my face.

I felt my face get warm at the sudden compliment. It wasn’t the first time Miles had ever complimented me, but it had a more serious undertone as his dark brown eyes lingered on me longer than usual. 

I didn’t have much time to contemplate it before he was pulling me over to the couch full of people where he had previously been sitting. 

“Guys, this is Gerard, the guy I was telling you about,” he yelled to his friends over the loud music as he kept his arm around me.

His friends already seemed wasted, considering half of them barely acknowledged me. The ones that did acknowledge me though introduced themselves and asked why I was hanging out with a loser like Miles, just to get under his skin.

“I’m working on a research project about losers so I chose Miles to be my guinea pig-”

One thing I’ve learned about trying to acclimate with people my age is that sarcasm is a brilliant bonding tool. As soon as I made fun of Miles, they all laughed and joined in on playfully bullying him. Eventually, Miles sat me down on the couch next to him, completing a circle of us around the coffee table of random drinks. 

I wasn’t expecting it to go this well. I was fully expecting to have a single drink, and stand against a wall for the remainder of the party, watching everyone else have a good time. But here I was, three beers in and laughing with people whose names I had already forgotten, talking about their past experiences at Miles’ college parties.

“And there was that one time freshman year that Jordan broke the beer pong table-” the brunette girl's voice carried towards a guy sitting across from her, who was presumably Jordan, the beer pong table destroyer.

Miles would occasionally chime in with anecdotes as I mostly sat back and enjoyed the conversation. 

As the discussions went on, Miles became increasingly touchy towards me. It wasn’t necessarily abnormal though. He had mentioned many times before that he was overly physical when he was drunk, and he was definitely tipsy. He would occasionally put his arm around me, asking if I was okay, and then leave it there, or he would put his hand on my thigh, which took me by surprise the first time it happened. He would even reach his hand around to the back of my head and twist my hair with his fingertips, just like how Frank did when we were in the kitchen-

Stop. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about him. He didn’t want you, remember?

God, it was so much easier to act like none of it mattered, to act like this was the first night of the rest of my life and to wear a smile than to confess that my heart was nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine.

Eventually, Miles looked over at me and asked if I wanted another drink. I was feeling nice and loose, I figured one more would sustain my drunkenness for the night, so I smiled and nodded.

I hated to say it, but I understood it when people said ‘drink to forget’. It was like an anxiety inhibitor. Drunk me didn’t give a fuck about anything. I felt like I could say and do whatever I wanted with zero shyness or any second thoughts. For the first time a long time I wasn’t thinking nonstop about him. I was simply living in the moment, enjoying the company from the strangers around me, who were feeding off of each other's carefree and goofy energy.

I suddenly understood the party scene appeal.

When I saw Miles approaching with the drinks, instead of sitting back down, he motioned his head towards the staircase, indicating to me to follow him.

It wasn’t until I stood up that I realized just how drunk I actually was. My reaction time was slow, and it almost felt like I was lagging in a video game. My head felt spinny and hot as the loud music and flashing lights somewhat disoriented me. 

I swayed my way over to Miles, laughing as I bumped into unsuspecting people.

He laughed with me as I followed him up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms.

I wasn’t quite sure why he wanted to come up here, but I didn’t exactly mind because a quieter and dimly lit room was a nice break from the loud and sweaty atmosphere downstairs.

I plopped down onto the bed laughing, “I feel like a fuckin’ fish in a bowl right now… or like on a boat, y’know?-”

“Did I not say you would have a great time?” Miles sat on the bed next to me, handing me the drink as I sat up. He wasn’t as drunk as me, clearly, he was much more seasoned in this than I was, but his face was slightly flushed red from the warmth of the booze.

“I’m having a splendid time indeed,” I said with an awful British accent. Miles kept his eyes on me, giggling as he took a drink from his cup. He leaned on his elbow, propping his head up with his hand as he searched my face inquisitively.

I squinted my eyes at him, “what are you looking at,” giggling at my own odd behavior.

“You,” he smiled, his brown eyes catching specs of light from the yellow lamp.

I scoffed at the weird and blunt nature of his answer, and then suddenly felt a wave of nausea come over me. 

“One sec,” I quickly stood up with my cup and headed to the bathroom adjacent to the bed.

When I made it in the bathroom the nausea slowly subsided without me having to puke my guts out, thankfully. I glanced at myself in the mirror, which was a different sight when I was drunk. It almost felt like an out of body experience. 

I stared at my lips, my hair, my neck. Analyzing all my features through a pair of drunk goggles. My impulsive and impaired thoughts were uncontrollable and I started thinking about how much I missed him and the way he touched me that night. The way his eyes looked into me and how sweet he tasted and how gorgeous his body felt-

Stop it, you don’t fucking miss him, you don’t need him, just stop. 

I dumped the rest of the drink down the drain and filled my cup with sink water, deciding that drinking and forgetting weren’t necessarily worth having my head stuck in a toilet for the rest of the night. 

I came out of the bathroom and Miles looked up at me, “what’s the verdict babe?”

I smiled, holding up a thumbs up, “No puke, I’m good.”

“That’s my boy,” he was much closer to the middle of the bed now, leaving not much room between him and me as I laid back down next to him, exhaling heavily as I felt my head swirl.

“I’m really glad you decided to come tonight, everyone thought you were super cool,” He said in a low voice, taking another sip of his drink.

I took a drink of my water, “Yeah well, I’m not exactly like your other friends, am I?” I looked down at my cup and feigned a smile, suddenly becoming insecure about my friendship with Miles.

It was clear that he had it made around campus. Ever since I met him at the start of the year he always had lots of friends who wanted to hang out with him, so I wasn’t sure why he kept me around in the first place. I was basically the antithesis of them. Introverted, nerdy, dressed like a reclusive goth. I wasn’t exactly sure what I had to offer in a friendship like ours.

“Not what? Smart? Funny? Talented?” He used his thumb and forefinger to lift up my chin to look at him, “an absolute knock-out in the looks department?”

I giggled as I swatted his hand away, finishing my water and placing it on the table behind me, “I don’t know about all that...I’m not exactly anyone’s ideal type.”

“You’re my ideal type.”

I was taken back by his comment, not really sure if I heard him correctly, or if my drunk brain was playing tricks on me.

I didn’t have much time to decipher it though before I felt Miles's lips suddenly press against mine and pull away soon after.

I looked at his face, which was slightly blurry and hard to make out, as I tried to understand what just happened, “wh-...why, did you do that?”

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this-”

****TW****

All too suddenly he planted his lips on mine again, this time his lips were parted as he tried to deepen the kiss, but I was so overwhelmed and confused as to what was even going on that I winced and became frozen in place.

He suddenly moved down to kiss my neck.

“Miles-, no-, wait-,”

But he didn’t stop, he continued kissing and biting up my neck as I could feel his hot breath next to my ear. A wave of panic and dread rushed over me as I finally realized what he was doing. 

I tried to pull him off of me but I wasn’t able to fully control my arms as I squirmed uncomfortably underneath his weight.

My heart began pounding and my adrenaline must have kicked in because finally I yelled, “Miles! Stop!”

Just then the bedroom door flew open with a dark figure quickly approaching Miles, grabbing his hair and within seconds Miles was pushed up against the bedroom wall.

I breathed heavily, trying to process what just happened as my eyes adjusted to the dark haired figure now pinning Miles up against the wall.

“Frank?”


	16. How Soon Is Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank discovers Miles at the party and doesn't hold back. But Gerard disappears before he gets the chance to explain. When he finds him, how is he going to make this right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Henlo  
> I was struggling with how I wanted this chapter to go, and I'm sorry for ending it in the middle of a BIG event but if I wouldve written the next scene it would've been like 4k words lol
> 
> So enjoy some nice mushy stuff for like the next two chapters c:   
> As always let me know what you guys think in the comments!!!

“Please still be there please still be there please still be there FUCK-”

My breathing became so quick and erratic I was almost hyperventilating. I gripped the steering wheel as I came up to the apartment, realizing Gerard’s car was gone from the driveway.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I knew exactly where that motherfucker lived. For once I was thankful that Gerard made me pick him up from Miles’s house more than once.

It felt like my entire body was on fire. Rage and panic raced through every part of me as I finally pulled up to the street.

I didn’t know what I was going to do to Miles when I saw him, but I knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant. I wanted to punch his stupid fucking face until he was coughing up blood and dump all of his and Lucas’s fucking drugs down his goddamn throat.

I was just praying to every higher power I could think of that I got there just in time.

For Gerard and his sake.

I parked my car and raced to the house, not caring about how insane I looked as I burst through the front door, looking around frantically at the crowd of people inside.

It was barely light enough in the house to make out faces in the room. I began bobbing and weaving through drunk frat boys and sorority girls, asking everyone that looked remotely familiar if they had seen Miles.

I couldn’t fucking believe this was happening.

Not one person knew where the hell he was, and eventually I gave up and decided to investigate upstairs. 

The long hall was filled with doors, and I was about to aimlessly start searching each one until I heard a scream come from the closed-door beside me:

“Miles! Stop!”

Within seconds I flung open the door, finding Miles on top of Gerard. I barely gave my brain enough time to realize what he was doing before I took action.

My body kicked into rage autopilot as I grabbed Miles’ blonde hair and smashed his fucking face against the wall.

“YOU FUCKING COWARD PIECE OF SHIT-” 

I turned him around to face me as I reeled my fist back, connecting it with his face in a swift and easy motion. 

Fuck this felt so good. Miles was finally getting exactly what he deserved.

His nose started to bleed as he tried to fight back, but I pressed my forearm against his neck, crushing his throat against the wall as he tried to push me away, but I wasn’t letting up. Not now. Not after everything he’s done.

“Not so fucking tough now are you-” I huffed in his face. He was taller, but I was stronger. He bared his teeth, attempting to kick me away but I had the leverage as I pushed against him.

I could tell he was struggling to breathe but my eyes could only see red and I wouldn’t let up. Any second that I started to feel guilty I remembered what he planned on doing to Gerard tonight, and how he was going to take advantage of him. 

It was then that I finally realized Gerard had been yelling at me this whole time. I couldn’t even hear him over my uncontrollable anger and the obnoxious club music coming in from the doorway.

“FRANKIE PLEASE-” He began pulling at my torso to make me release Miles, and if it were anyone else I would have pushed them away so I could continue beating the ever-living fuck out of this waste of a person, but his desperate cries reached me and I pulled away, but not before grabbing Miles’ shirt and shoving him to the ground, his head and body hitting the floor with a loud thump.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Miles. His pathetic body lying there on the ground, blood dripping from his nose as he slowly writhed around. I knew it wasn’t right, to feel so good about it, but he’d done it to himself.

I finally looked behind me to tell Gerard what he’d done, but he was gone.

The door to the bedroom was open and Gerard was nowhere to be seen.

I ran my hands through my hair, now just as pissed as before. Gerard had just seen me beat the fuck out of his friend, and he has no idea why.

Perfect.

If he didn’t hate me before, I certainly sealed the deal now.

I turned back to Miles, who was still lying on the ground looking up at me, “If I ever see you again, you’ll be swallowing your fucking teeth,” I spit on his face and left the room, going to look for Gerard in hopes that I could somehow try to explain this.

The upbeat music pounded in my ears as I was back in the belly of the beast. Dark orange lighting cascading over shadowy figures as I scanned the sea of people once more. 

I got strange looks as I walked downstairs, probably the same people wondering why I had raced into the house just a few moments before.

God, there were so many fucking people, finding Gerard would be like finding a needle in a haystack. Girls and guys swayed and stumbled as they danced and laughed along at jokes that weren’t funny unless they were wasted. A lifestyle I was familiar with and used to enjoy, now seemed distant and nauseating.

My eyes drifted over to the corner of the living room when I suddenly saw a familiar face approaching me, but it wasn’t Gerard.

It was Lucas.

“Hey Frankie-” he said, smiling and outstretching his arms.

I avoided him coldly, and if I wasn’t searching for someone he knew, I would have just walked away from him altogether, because I wasn’t going to waste any more of my time on low lives like him and Miles, “where’s Gerard, Lucas?”

“Awh man he took off out the door a few minutes ago but hey,” he put his hand on my shoulder and I could smell the alcohol on his breath as he yelled over the music, “I’m sorry about the other day Frankie I really am-”

I swatted his hand away, “oh you mean drugging me and setting me up? Fuck off dude-,” I tried to turn away but he grabbed my shoulder once again.

“Frankie I don’t want this to get in the way of our friendship-”

This time I shoved his whole arm away from me, and I could feel the heat rising up in my stomach again, “FUCK OFF! We’re not friends Lucas! We were never friends! I hung out with you for fucking drugs and that’s the only reason anyone hangs out with you! And I’m done being the fall guy, alright? I’m done with the benders and I’m done with hanging out with you guys! Find someone else’s life to fuck up-”

I started walking away before I had even finished my sentence, leaving him standing there dumbfounded.

It felt good to finally tell him how I really felt. The idea of hanging out with him or his groupies ever again made my stomach turn.

This was the type of thing that needed to happen in order for me to realize what I really cared about. I didn’t care about Lucas or Nicole or the drugs or sex or even school. 

I just wanted to do whatever it took to make him happy, and to make sure he’s safe.

He’s always taken care of me, our whole lives. He was always there when I was in trouble or when I was depressed. And now it was my turn.

I raced out of the house, hoping to be able to see him around the block or in his car, but his car was sitting empty, and he was nowhere. The bright streetlights illuminated empty sidewalks and I felt a sense of dread wash over me.

Where did he go? I didn’t have the slightest clue, but I got in my car and started taking the usual route home, hoping to god I would see him walking around somewhere.

My mind started to panic more when it suddenly started raining. 

Gerard was gone, probably drunk, and walking in the rain somewhere. I didn’t even know for sure if Miles had successfully drugged him, but the idea of him passing out somewhere and me being unable to find him absolutely terrified me.

I tried to fight back tears at the thought of losing him in some horrible accident, and how it would be all my fault, and how I would have never told him how I felt about him.

Why did I wait so fucking long?! Why was I so fucking stupid-

My headlights beamed towards the house as I approached it and I saw a shadowy figure sitting in the rain on the front porch of the apartment.

A wave of relief washed over me, and I hurriedly parked the car and got out, rain permeating my jacket almost immediately.

Part of me thought he was going to run inside once he saw me, but instead, he just sat there, completely soaked and staring at the pavement in front of him as I stood a few feet away, unsure of what to say. 

We both breathed in the awkward silence between each other, waiting for the other to say something as we listened to the rain coming down around us. 

“Not afraid of thunderstorms anymore?” He finally said in a heavy tone as he looked up at me.

I breathed anxiously, “I’m a little more afraid of something else right now.”

“And what’s that?”

My eyes didn’t drift from his face, no matter how many times he avoided eye contact, “losing you.”

He seemed to smile slightly at my comment, but I couldn’t tell if it was genuine or if he was scoffing at the unbelievability of it.

The rain began dripping off of my hair, and I could tell he had sat out here for a while because he was already completely soaked, but I decided that if he wanted to go inside, he would, so I stayed with him, allowing the rain to keep us company.

I breathed in deeply, clenching my fists and feeling my heart start beating faster, “Gerard I have to tell you something-”

“Miles put something in my drink?”

His eyes didn’t waver, and neither did the apathy in his voice.

I was dumbfounded and stuttered as I spoke, “Y-...yeah...how did you know that-”

He smiled coldly at the ground, “nobody would want to be with me sober.”

I could feel my stomach twist in knots, “Gee I-”

“I wish I would’ve drank it,” his voice pained as he looked helplessly at my feet, “the roofies or whatever he put in my drink. I wish I could be drunk and drugged up right now, so I didn’t have to feel so fucking awful all the time. I wish I could be like you-”

“I love you.”

He stopped, his face expressionless and unreadable. 

I finally said it. I said it and it came out as easy as it should’ve. I said it like I’d been saying it for years, like a song I’d sang my whole life with the lyrics and melody tucked away in a special part of my mind. Stuck in my head on repeat each day I was with him. 

There was no stutter or waver in my voice, no second thoughts, or guilty feelings. The heavyweight of the walls I built protecting my heart from getting hurt had been lifted and I had no choice but to be vulnerable now. 

Being vulnerable and taking the chance of getting my heart broken was better than continuing this cycle of abuse. 

His eyes stared at the ground and his voice became soft and broken, “Frankie don’t-”

“I always have,” I cut him off, speaking louder this time. It was my turn to talk now. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t say it before. I’m sorry that for the past 10 years I haven’t been able to say it.” 

He looked up at me with somber eyes as I pushed my dripping hair out of my face. “Do you remember a few years ago when we drove to that Black Flag concert in Trenton and your car broke down and we missed the show?” 

He didn’t respond, but I knew he remembered. It was our junior year and he’d just gotten his first car. We were both so excited to be going to a concert on our own, just the two of us. The engine seized up on the highway when we were halfway there and his dad had to come to pick us up. We spent an hour sitting in his broken-down car listening to Black Flag on my iPod and basically giving ourselves the concert we didn’t get to have.

“You asked me why I wasn’t upset, because I’d been looking forward to this concert for months, and the truth was I didn’t care about the concert, I was just happy that I was with you. I should’ve said it then.”

The rain continued pattering off the pavement as he stayed silent and I worked up the courage to keep filling the space between us with all the things that I should’ve said.

“When I fractured my knee, and you stayed at my house and slept next to me every night that first week to make sure I had everything I needed, I should’ve said it then.”

My tone was steady and confident but it still sounded desperate and my pulse was going insane. I was just opening up and showing him my whole heart, unguarded and exposed, hoping to god he wouldn’t just destroy it right here.

“And I should’ve said it the night I kissed you, and the night after that and the night after that,” his glossy eyes looked up at me again, still unresponsive but somehow I knew he was absorbing what I was saying.

I took a deep breath, feeling tears start welling up in my eyes as I prepared myself for what I was about to say, “I fucked up, so fucking bad. I hurt you so much, and I’m not gonna pretend I won’t fuck up in the future, because I am a fuck up,” the words I said were so honest I felt a sting in my chest. I’d always been honest with Gerard about my insecurities, but this time it was different. 

“I tried, so hard, to forget you, Gee. I tried to ignore how I’ve felt about you all these years, I tried hooking up with girls and I tried making myself drunk and coked out of my mind all because I was terrified of how fucking addicted to you I was. But I saw all the damage I did. And now, every time I think of not having you in my life I literally break into a million pieces.”

My voice started to weaken. He suddenly stood up slowly, watching me cautiously. The more I talked the more I started to feel myself break, and his face showed nothing more than empathy towards me as the raindrops trailed off his face.

“I wish I could be a better me for you,” I let the tears meld with the rain on my face as he took another step towards me, “you deserve so much better. And I know it’s fucked up and it’s selfish, but I don’t know that I can go back to being just friends anymore, I’m always going to see you as something else.”

He kept stepping towards me, and my heart hammered against my chest as I was terrified of what he might do. Considering how badly I'd fucked everything up I was almost fully expecting him to just leave. He would go back to studying for grad school and I'd probably go back to drinking because what was the point in trying if he wasn't around anymore, and the words came out quicker than I had time to think about them, “please just tell me what you want-”

I suddenly gasped when he put both of his hands behind my head and put his lips on mine. 

My heart jumped into my throat and I grabbed instinctively at his waist, grasping at this moment for as long as I possibly could. 

It felt like a recurring dream I’d been having since our childhood. A vision of us together and a feeling of completeness and security, like nothing bad would ever happen again as long as he and I were like this. It was like I’d been stuck underwater for my whole life, trying desperately to reach the surface before I drowned and he was my first breath of fresh air, every time I kissed him.

His lips were soft and confident as we held onto each other for a few more seconds, neither of us wanting to let go of this moment, knowing what it might be like when we pulled away.

I didn’t have to worry though, because he only pulled away to rest his forehead on mine and whisper words as if they were made for me.

“I want you, Frankie.”


End file.
